Caelin Anonymous
by FootLeeismysexysensei
Summary: Takes place in Caelin! Kent pulls a 72Hr. watch shift, Sain plans a Birthday party for his horse, Marcus goes hunting, AND the one and only League of Random Axefighers! Randomness and OOCness all around!
1. Ch1: El Principe

A/N: Sorry folks, another FE fic! Funny thing, this had a plot, but it just kinda went .... nearly plotless after a while. But don't you Anti-selfinsertionists freak out, cause I really don't do much more than horse whispering and throwing swedish fish in Ch.1, and afterwards I shouldn't really show up at all, so it shouldn't be too bad. About the horse's names, umm, most of the names I can think of are Spanish, so if you don´t like it, TOUGH COOKIES!!! . . . Or you COULD give me name suggestions by review, and if I like the names, I'll use them. I still have to name Marcus' horse and Isadora's horse.

Oh, and should I tell you how much I LOVE reviews? Here it goes: I LOVE REVIEWS!!!!!!!! I don't care what they are, empty flattery, flames, constructive criticism, I take them all!! Suggestions or requests would be nice, too!!

**_Disclaimer:_** I own nothing except the names of Sain and Lowen's horses, and myself. Kent's horse's name is from "Gladiator", and the "Don Pan" Part of Sain's horse's name is actually the name of a bakery here in Spain!! And I have to thank Jerry Seinfeld for the phrase "Big, horsey, bowling ball eyes." I believe he was the one to use it originally!

**Chapter 1: El Principe**

Kent sighed. It was such a lovely day in Caelin, what with the birds singing, the flowers in bloom, children out playing and laughing. Everything was absolutely magical, except that Kent was stuck doing double duty with the watch, because Sain was probably out somewhere dancing about or something. Kent never knew how Sain managed to waste hours upon hours of going to the same pub and doing whatever he did there, which Kent believed was frolicking or prancing. Or drunken frolicking and/or prancing, something like that.

'Sitting on this horse is killing me!' Kent thought to himself as he shifted uncomfortably, 'Where in the world is Sain? I need a break!!'

Kent resumed waiting anxiously for Sain to arrive, as unlikely as it was, and decided that he was in dire need of something to entertain himself. Conveniently enough, Lyn and some other girls that Kent didn't really care to pay attention to because Lyn was present were walking around town square shopping. As weird and un-knightly of him as it was to do, Kent started to unintentionally eavesdrop.

Fiora spun around and looked the Tactician, Jordan, straight in the eye, "I SWEAR that if you don't quit throwing those THINGS at me, I will be sure to make you regret it!!!"

"What? You mean the Swedish Fish? You know, I'm only doing it because you refused to try them."

"I don't care! Leave me alone or I won't hesitate to hurt you!"

"... Uh, can you two, umm, get along? All the yelling is scaring Makar..." She said, Makar being her pegasus (It's from the game, I swear it!! It's a stupid name, I know!)

"Aww, come on Fiora! Just try one!"

"No!!"

Lyn got an exsasperated look on her face and decided it was up to her to restore the peace. So she reached into her coinpurse and threw a coin past Jordan.

"SHINY!!" Jordan said as she dove after it.

'How did we end up with such a strange person as our Tactician?' Kent thought.

"I'm back from my vacations!!" Sain announced as he walked his horse up, "How are you holding up, Kenty? You're a little distant! You've got to be ever vigilant! You never know what could sneak up on you!"

"I'm perfectly aware of what's going on in my surroundings," Kent said.

"... Are you watching the girls again?"

Jordan was running around, chasing pigeons and throwing Swedish Fish at them. "I'll teach you to poop on my sweater, vermin!!!" (the pooping actually happened to me...)

Kent raised an eyebrow, "I guess you could say that."

"Wow. That's a little creepy, Kent."

Kent sighed, "By the way, you're three hours late. I need a break or I might become permenantly bow-legged."

"Oh, but I was on holiday, and I saw the most wonderful things!"

"And, you don't have to call every break you take a 'Holiday' or 'Vacation.' It´s quite irritating."

"But that's what they are! They're miniature vacations meant to restore a man's soul!!" Sain exclaimed, going all starry-eyed.

"Right. Well, I think I'm going to go on 'Vacation' for a bit." Kent said as he began to dismount.

"Wait Kent! There's something I want to ask you first."

"What?" Kent repositioned himself in the saddle.

"It's El Principe Juanito Francisco María Don Pan III's Birthday next week and I want to plan something special for him."

"... Who?"

"El Principe Juanito Francis-"

"I heard you the first time, but who in the world is he?"

"He's my horse, Kent!"

"Where did you get that ridiculous name from?"

"Jordan made it up during holiday."

"Ok. So, you want to plan a birthday for your horse?"

"Yes, but please call him Principe Juanito."

Juanito looked up at Kent expectantly with those big, horsey, bowling ball eyes.

"Pardon me, Principe Juanito." Kent apologized, receiving a content snort from Principe Juanito, "So, Sain. What do you have in mind for El Principe's birthday party?"

"Principe Juanito's birthday party." Sain corrected.

"Whatever!"

"That's exactly what I came to ask you about! I don't have any ideas!"

"Ok. Let's start with guests. Who do you want to invite, horses or people?"

"Kent, does your horse have a name?" Sain asked, apparently ignoring Kent.

"What?"

"Does your horse have a name?"

"YOU'RE IT!!!!!" They heard Jordan yell. They both glanced over and saw Jordan running away from Fiora like a crazy person. "That's it!! I'm going to KILL you for touching me!!!" Fiora screamed.

Silence.

"Considering how she dresses, Lady Lyndis is quite fair skinned, isn't she?" Sain asked.

"Mm-hm" Kent agreed.

"Anyway! What've you named your horse?"

"Oh. Um, Blanky."

"Nope, nope, that won't do!"

"Hmm. Little Lightning?"

"LA-AME!! Choose a better one!!"

"Cloppity?"

Sain let out a deep sigh, "You're hopeless, Kent. A knight must have a half-decent name for his horse if he's to go anywhere with his Knighthood."

"Good day, Kent! How are-" Lyn began, but was cut off by Jordan.

"Maximus Dessimus Meridius, my love!!" Jordan cried, "Into my arms!!!"

Kent's horse whinnied happily and trotted to the embrace of Jordan. Kent, still mounted on his horse, blinked and looked over at Sain.

"How long has she been best friends with my horse?"

"Beats me. I wouldn't doubt that she's like that with the rest of them, too." Sain scratched his chin, "that's funny how she just comes up with names like that..."

"Well, at least your horse's name is better than mine!" whined Lowen, suddenly riding up from nowhere, "She named mine Katrina-Bo Augustus St.Claire!"

"I've told you before! I don't make up the names, the horses do!" she said, throwing her hands into the air, "GOSH!!"

"Did she name yours the same way too, Lowen?" Kent asked.

Katrina-Bo noticed Jordan and walked up to nudge her in the shoulder.

"Hello, Katrina-Bo!" Jordan cooed, "How have you been?"

"Yeah! Who knew my horse was a girl! I wanted to name her something like Don Quixote!!" Lowen said.

"Shhh! I'm trying to listen!" Jordan hissed at the others, and then returned to listening to Maximus make various horsey noises, "Uh-huh ......... He wanted to name you what? Cloppity?!" Jordan shot a glare at Kent.

"I didn't know what he wanted to be named." He replied, shrugging his shoulders.

"Come on, Jordan. We still have more things to do," Fiora said.

"Alright. See you guys later!"

"Have a good day! And don't work yourself too hard, Kent!" Lyn said with a wave.

After they were out of earshot, Sain leaned over to Kent, "It's too bad Jordan ruined your chance to talk with Lyn, huh Kent?"

"Yes, but I suppose that I have a half-decent name for my horse now, right?" Kent replied, running a hand through his red hair.

"Definitely. Maximus Dessimus Meridius is a huge improvement over Cloppity or Little Lightning." Sain agreed with a nod.

"Oooo! Kent likes Lady Lyn?!" Lowen said, but was ignored.

"SAIN!!!!!" someone roared, "I've been looking EVERYWHERE for you!!"

"Oh, Eunice! What a pleasant surprise-" Sain said, putting on an aire of confidence.

"What have I told you about calling me by my first name, HMMM?!"

"Um, don't do it?" Sain guessed.

"That's right."

"Anyway, Euni- I mean, Mother, what are you doing here? I told you I'd be working all day today last night at dinner..."

"I need a springy, youthful back to move my entire livingroom set to be 'Feng Shui' compatable. According to 'Feng Shui for Dummies, I'm WAY off." She said roughly.

"Why can't Father do it?"

"Your Father is a worthless piece of trash!!!" She screamed, sending her into a fit of coughing from all her years of smoking, "Of course he can't do it!!"

"Oh, uh," Sain looked around desperately, and remembered Lowen, "Ah, Lowen! My dear, dear, YOUTHFUL, SPRINGY-BACKED friend!! Lowen will help you, Mother!!"

"I'm doing what?!"

She grunted, stroking her moustache thoughtfully, "Are you sure about him? He doesn't look as reliable as Kentykookykins here..."

Kent's spine stiffened.

"Don't let the mop of seemingly sight-obstructing hair fool you; He's VERY reliable!!" Sain said, all to happy to be sending poor, poor Lowen in his place.

"Fine. Let's go, Loren," she grumbled.

"My name's Lowen!"

"Pfft! As if that's better!" She scoffed as she grabbed him off Katrina-Bo, slung him over her shoulder and lumbered off into the distance until his cries could no longer be heard.

"You still live with your mother, Sain?" Kent asked with what I SWEAR could almost be a chuckle.

"Yes, unfortunately..." Sain hung his head, "She won't let me leave...."

"She reminds me of Hannah," Kent said with a shudder, "I'll never forget what that wench put me through. I'm still having nighmares from her..."

"Oh, yes, Hannah's a good friend of Mother." Sain said, "They still talk about you, you know."

"Great."

"They like that you're polite, and a man of your duty, and Mother is ALWAYS saying, 'Why can't you be more like Kentykookykins?' It drives me completely mad sometimes!!"

"Well, that's surprising that they're saying things like that as opposed to things like-"

Sain cut him off, "How tight and cute your butt is? Don't worry, they're still saying that."

"And here I thought that they were almost dignified."

"It gets worse! They write these stories of you, and they-"

"NO MORE! I don't want to hear it!"

"Oh, sorry! I got a little carried away."

"It's fine. Just don't tell me anymore of what they say. I'll already be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for the rest of my life without their sick fantasies adding to it."

". . ."

". . ."

"You know, I sometimes think that I'd like to be married one day, but the thought of the woman I marry turning into Hannah, or my Mother almost scares the living daylights out of me."

". . ."

"You won't tell anyone, will you?"

"Tell them what?"

"That I live with my Mother."

"... No."

"Good! That's exactly what makes you my Boon Companion!!"

"Thank you, Sain." Kent replied with little or no feeling at all.

". . ."

". . ."

Sain stretched, "Well, I think I'll be going on holiday again! After that whole ordeal, I need a drink to soothe my nerves!"

"Wait a minute! I never got my break!"

"And I'm off!!" Sain said, sending El Principe into full gallop.

Kent let out a growl. Why was he always the one stuck doing all the work?

"Juanito Francisco!! Come to me!!!" Jordan's voice rang out from somewhere in town.

"No, it can't be! Stop!! Wait! The tavern is in the opposite direction!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" rang out another voice, that could be recognized as Sain's.

Kent grinned and shifted in the saddle uncomfortably, preparing himself for a long night.

A/N: Ok, this chapter isn't that great, but it gets better and there'll be more randomly OOC-y gooness! I swear it!! And remember, if you review I'll love you forever!!!


	2. Ch2: Why Lowen? Because I Can!

A/N: If you have reached this chapter, then I love you and you deserve many, MANY a cookie!!! True, it might only be the second chapter, but you deserve cookies nonetheless!!

About mid chapter the plot line (Is there a plot line?) becomes more random, and I'll be honest, only a few characters MIGHT actually be in character.

Anyway, review! And, I have to tell Lemurian 04 and Nightmare how much I love them because they read my story after it was up only one day!!! I LURVE YOU!!!!!! And I even put Karel in it for you, Nightmare! He'll do more later.... MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

**Ch.2: Why Lowen? Because I Can!!!!!**

"Ohhh..." Kent groaned, "Why isn't there anyone to take over for me?" He slumped foreward and buried his face in his hands, "It has to be at least 4:00 in the morning..."

"Don't worry Kenty!!" Jordan piped up as she dropped out of a tree and landed right next to him, "Sain didn't get more sleep than you did!"

Kent raised an eyebrow, "What?" With Sain, that phrase could take on a lot of meanings.

"Tee hee hee!!! You'll see!" She snickered as she scurried off.

'Honestly,' Kent thought, 'how does someone like her even BECOME a Tactician?!'

A moment later, Sain rode up hunched over like an old woman and moaning like he broke his back. El Principe Juanito didn't look too good either.

"You will not BELIEVE what happened to me during vacations last night!!" he said, gingerly stretching his aching back.

". . ."

"Last night, after I left, I was on my way to the Tavern minding my own business when all of the sudden, the Tactician called my horse!"

"... And?"

"AND just because they're the best of friends, El Principe Juanito went in hot pursuit of her ALL NIGHT!!!! He galloped around ALL night looking for her!!!"

"But you didn't get off?"

"No, of course not! Who in the right mind jumps off a horse in full gallop?"

". . ." Kent said nothing, but we all know he was smiling on the inside.

"So I rode him all night!!" Sain added with an angry snort.

". . ."

"What's the matter with you? You're most certainly in a foul mood today!"

"Well, I've been on guard duty for nearly 24 HOURS now!!!!!! 24 hours without a break, drink of water, or anything!!!!!"

".... Wow. That sounds rough."

Kent leaned his head back and put his hands over his eyes out of sheer frustration, "It is."

"I don't know about you, but I'm going to go catch up on my beauty sleep." Sain said as he dismounted, "Good luck with the whole guard duty thing!" he left, leading El Principe Juanito Francisco María Don Pan III to the stables.

Kent's eye twitched, "Completely oblivious..."

Katrina-Bo, who had been standing there all night along with Kent and Maximus, gave Kent a sympathetic look.

"Thank you, Katrina-Bo..."

A FEW HOURS LATER!!!!!!!

Kent was still there, so tired he kept nodding off and almost fell off of Maximus a few times.

"Kent, are you alright?" someone asked.

Kent awoke with a start to see Lyn standing at his side.

"Oh, Milady..."

"You don't look so good."

"Really, you needn't worry about me. I'm doing fine."

She giggled, "You look as though you've been here all night!"

"Ha ha ha.... It most certainly feels like it...."

"Well, I think that you're working too hard."

"Please, don't concern yourself with me I'm fine, milady-"

"Ah, ah! No buts! I'll get a replacement for you so you can rest a little!"

"Thank you, Lady Lyndis." Kent said with relief.

"Don't mention it!" Lyn said as she skipped off in search of a replacement.

A FEW MINUTES LATER!!!!!!

Kent had fallen asleep again. He was awakened by the Mission Impossible theme song, which was being terribly sung by Marcus and Oswin who were sneaking around. Merlinus was following closely behind skipping around and giggling like an eight year old school boy.

Kent regarded them with eyes narrowed in suspicion, "Can I help you?"

"SHHH!! You'll blow our cover, laddie!!" Oswin spat.

"We're hunting for something, but we can't tell you what, lest you alert our prey to our presence...." Marcus said with "shifty eyes."

"Right, so you two are hunting, but why's Merlinus with you?"

"They're gonna let me kill something so that I'll become a man!!" Merlinus said, skipping around even more from excitement, "WHEEE!!!!!"

"Blast it lad!!! Shut your trap or you'll expose us!!!" Oswin said, slapping Merlinus.

"Oh yeah! We have to be VEEEEERRY quiet, huh?" Merlinus snickered.

"That's right. Now sit down and shut up."Oswin replied.

They began stalking away with Merlinus still frolicking around stupidly behind them.

"Oswin, you can have the Mullet, but the one without eyes is mine. Are we clear on that?" Marcus asked.

Oswin nodded.

The Mission Impossible music died off and peace and quiet finally returned to Kent's watch.

It wasn't long until Lyn rounded the corner.

"Kent! I've got a replacement!" Lyn said.

"That's fantastic, milady!" Kent looked around, "Is he with you?"

"Erm, well, What I meant was that I had one in mind." Kent's enthusiasm deflated significantly, But Lyn continued, "I was wondering if you've seen Sir Wallace anywhere?" Lyn gave Kent a cheerful smile.

"Unfortunately, no." Kent said, doing his best to mask his disappointment.

"I guess that I'll go check the barracks again..." Lyn mumbled to herself as she wandered off.

MEANWHILE!!!!!!!!

"I've gotta find a way out of here!!" Lowen thought desperately, then he saw a shadow cross through the light through the crack underneath the door. He held his breath until it passed.

"Lowen..... Honeybunch," Eunice said sweetly, but not that sweetly because her voice sounded like that of a man.

"Come on out!" another aged voice said, "I promise we don't bite!" the two voices cackled in unison.

The shadow finally passed. Phew, Lowen could finally take a breath!

"It was a stroke of luck that I found this closet, that's for sure! Even luckier is that some idiot installed the doorknob backwards so I could lock it from the inside!!" Lowen thought to himself.

Another shadow came into view, and Lowen held his breath again. It stopped right in front of the door.

"I've been found!!" his brain screamed.

"Dagnabbit!! Eunice, this isn't working!!!"

"Well, it ain't gonna work if you keep yelling like that!"

"Why can't we just blow him out with some mines? He'd come running out screaming and we could nab'im like that!!!"

"That's your solution to everything, Hannah!"

"That's because it WORKS!"

Lowen began to get light headed.

"I'm not interested in blowing my house to smithereens!"

Lowen's lungs were on the verge of exploding, but if he breathed now, they'd find him. Not because they could hear him, they're old women and their hearing is terrible, but because earlier they fed him something extraordinarily nauseating that appeared to be made primarily of garlic, so the smell of his breath would tip them off to his presence.

"It doesn't appear that your 'Knightly Tracking Mechanism' is working! If he were here, we'd be able to smell him, wouldn't we?"

"We should be able to. Maybe I didn't add enough garlic....."

"Our only option now is to blow him out!"

"NO, Hannah, we are NOT going to blow him out! What can we do with him if you turn him into a pile of meat?!"

Lowen could feel his consciousness waning, "Please, for the love of everything holy, Please move!!!!!"

He could have gotten away with that last little thought without passing out, but the additional exclamation marks really cost him, and he passed out anyway.

"THUD!!!!!" said his head hitting the door.

Both ancient women looked at the closet in confusion until Hannah finally had one of those 'Lightbulb Moments' and started to cackle.

"Eee hee hee hee hee!!!" Hannah laughed, smiling her rancid, nearly toothless smile, "I knew he was around here somewhere!!"

"Don't stand there and laugh you idiot! Pull him out!"

"Right! Finally a nice, long foot massage for my bunions!" Hannah said as her gnarled hand reached out for the doorknob slowly and dramatically.

"STOP RIGHT THERE, HAGS!!!!" two very heroic voices called out as they kicked down the door just in the nick of time.

MEANWHILE!!!!!!

Kent was still on guard duty, but with the addition of a few squirrels storing acorns in his chest plate and some robins nesting in his hair.

"I'm almost at 36 hours now...." Kent mumbled sleepily.

MEANWHILE!!!!!!

Heath was having a lovely tea party in the castle garden, that was planned by Serra, with Canas, Raven, Lucius, Erk, (who was forced by Serra to come,) Nino, and Guy also in attendance.

Guy took a sip of his tea, "Ahh! What a fabulously fabulous day!!"

"Oh, yes! I do believe it is!" Canas agreed.

"Yeah ..... It's too bad that Jaffar decided not to come." Nino said as she did a VERY unlady like thing and ate her entire cookie all in one bite.

The entire group looked at her in complete disgust.

"What? What'd I do?" Nino asked.

After they finished 'disgust looking,' they all resumed tea partying as if nothing had happened.

"Pfft! Jaffar had enough sense to run for the hills!" Erk said bitterly, "The least he could have done was give me fair warning!"

"Don't lie, Erk! I hate it when you lie!" Serra snapped at him,"You wanted to come to my party and you know it!!!"

"I'd rather spend 6 hours in a small, small room with Nils on the Mother of all sugar-highs than sit tied to a chair at your stupid tea party!!!"

Karel popped in, "Be careful what you wish for, for it may just come true!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!" and then he disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

Dead silence.

"Yeah, anyway...." Heath said.

"Don't say that! It's a good tea party cause I helped plan it!!!" Lucius cried.

"There, there Lucy my darling. I think it's a great tea party...." Raven put an arm of comfort around Lucius' shoulders and shot a Death Glare at Erk.

"... Eeep ...." said Erk.

"Canas," Heath started as he gave him a very manly pat on the back, "I'm so glad that we finally worked out our differences!!"

"Ha ha ha... Me too." Canas replied as he reclaimed his monocle from his teacup.

"Amen to that, brother!" Guy said.

Then everyone chuckled warmly, except for Erk, who remained tied to his chair, fuming.

In some nearby bushes the sound of somebody cocking their gun could be heard.

A/N: So, what do you think? Is it ok? Reviews, please!!! The story only gets better from here!!


	3. Ch3: Heath's Head on a Platter!

A/N: Wow. It's a little sad to say, but I think that this is my most successful story so far!!! Thank you to all who reviewed, and now I FINALLY can do those little "Reviewer Response" thingies that I've been DYING to do!! (rolls around on the floor giggling happily)

**Nightmare: **Yes, that's what I'm thinking of doing, or something like that. I'm not quite sure how it's going to go, though.

**Montblancerk:** I'm making Sain look gay? What? Sorry. I probably won't be doing any blunt pairings, cause that's SO not my thing. Although I do the LuciusXRaven thing just cause I have fun making fun of it. That'll probably be the only kind of "pairing" thing I'll do. P.S. There are weirder stories out there than mine, BELIEVE ME.

Thank you all for your Reviews!! I really do appreciate them! We still don't have a name for Isadora's horse.... Oh, yeah. If there are any Heath fangirls out there, you're probably gonna flame me good for this one! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

**Ch.3: Heath's head on a platter!**

Marcus exchanged glances with Oswin, but not really with Merlinus, cause he was still acting like an idiot. But he wasn't going to give them away, because now he was a QUIET idiot.

"Let the hunt begin..." Marcus said in a manly, "Terminator"-esque voice.

"Shut your trap, man!! You'll blow our cover!!!" Oswin whispered back.

"Hee hee hee!!" Merlinus snickered, "Hunting, hunting!!"

Marcus rolled his eyes and carefully took aim for the green haired mullet we all know and love. His finger began to tense, but then Guy decided to get up and dance his way right into Marcus' crosshairs.

"Blast! What does that idiot think he's doing!?" Marcus growled.

"Watch closely, Heath! Go on, Guess what I am!!" Guy said as he waltzed around stupidly.

"Yourself?" Heath guessed.

"Silly moo! Nope, guess again!"

"Ninian?"

Erk spotted Marcus in the bushes, "A moving target?"

"What?" Heath asked as he stood up. Two seconds later he was shot by a tranquilizer dart. "OW!!"

"EEEEEK!! ERKYSAVEME!ERKYSAVEME!ERKYSAVEME....!" Serra screamed over and over, running around in circles.

"HA HA!!!" Oswin laughed triumphantly, "He was a tricky one, that's for sure!"

"But we finally got'im!!" Marcus said, giving Oswin a totally righteous high-five.

"YAY!!!!" Merlinus cheered, running out of the bushes with a big roll of duct-tape held on high.

"W-what're you going to do with that?" Guy stammered, eyeing the duct-tape.

"You'll see soon enough." Marcus said as he turned the unconscious Mullet- er, I mean, Wyvern Lord onto his stomach.

Oswin began tearing long pieces of tape off the roll, "You sure he won't wake up, Marcus?"

"Yeah, positive."

"He said that there was enough sleepy stuff to put Hawkeye AND Hector to sleep!!!!" Merlinus said.

"What? What does that mean?" Oswin asked as he began to stick the pieces of tape side by side to form a Super-Duper Piece of Duct-tape!

"I don't know. I think Merlinus made that up," Marcus replied.

"Right. Let's do this thing, Homies." Oswin said Ghetto-Gangsta style.

"Forshizzle!" agreed Marcus.

"I'm scared..." Lucius whimpered.

Oswin stuck the Super-Duper Piece of Duct-tape! onto Heath's head and then turned to Merlinus who was still dancing around. "Now, it's time for you to become a man, Merly my boy!!"

"Whee!" said Merlinus, who without hesitation yanked the Super-Duper Piece of Duct-tape! off of Heath's scalp with a chilling "RIP!!!"

Marcus dusted off his hands, "That does it. Our work is done here."

Then Marcus & Co. contiued stalking on their way to their next victim.

The tea party looked on in stunned silence. The wind blew the tiny tuft of hair left on Heath's head while he lay there. He somehow appeared as half the man he used to be, and it was only a matter of time until he came to....

SOME TIME LATER!!!!!

Sain woke up and stretched widely. Boy, was he ever refreshed!

"I wonder if Kent ever found a replacement..." he thought out loud, "Eww! I have morning breath!" So, he went to brush his teeth.

In the castle Locker room, he stood in front of the mirror, hard at work brushing his teeth. He wanted to make those puppies really SHINE!

"Psst! Sain!!" came a whisper from a dark, obscure corner of the locker's section.

"Hmm?" Sain looked around.

"Over here. C'mere."

Sain wandered over to the dark corner where the voice was coming from, "Huh? Who are you?"

"You know who I am!"

"Ah, yes! Sir Wallace! What're you doing hiding back there?"

"Um, actually, I was wondering if you could do me a favor?"

Sain blinked, "Sure, what is it?"

"Actually, it's kind of a funny story, but, uh..."

"Sir Wallace?"

"Could you .... Help me get these panty hose off?"

"NOOOO!!!!!" Sain screamed and sprinted out of there as fast as his little knightly legs could carry him.

"Wait, Please! It's not what it looks like, I swear!!" came Wallace's voice pleading behind him.

A/N: That was shorter than I remember it being. Don't ask me where the Wallace in pantyhose thing came from, and don't ask me to write how he ended up in pantyhose. To be honest, the thought of it is rather disturbing to me. This chapter wasn't all that great, either. The next one is better! I kinda like it!

Remember to review!!!


	4. Ch4: MEANWHILE!

A/N: Yay!!!! I feel so cool! 8 reviews, people! Can you believe it!? I'm so happy!!!! And it's all thanks to you! Now for the "Reviewer Response" thingies that I love to do ever so much!!!

**Nightmare:** Glad you liked it! But, no. That's SO not my thing. But he will continue to be the total stud he is without more bashes to his dignity. Maybe. Any other requests?

**Metal mario 1:** Ok.... If you want to help, go ahead and put suggestions in your next reviews! Ha ha ha!! Who knew Matthew had a brother?! Are you like, his REAL brother or like "Brotha from anotha motha," kind of brother? Word, yo.

**Sleepyhead:** I am so glad that you've liked it!! Don't get me wrong about the whole making fun of characters thing, I'm sure they know I love each and every one of them! I just like to poke fun at things like Canas' monocle and Heath's haircut. But despite all that, I'm glad you liked it anyway!! By the way, there'll be a few explosions in the later chappies if you want 'em!!

I have to give Nightmare a cookie or something, cause he (or she) has reviewed every chapter so far! And a reward to sleepyhead for giving me the longest review thus far! Thank you for the reviews! They really brighten my day! And when they're flames, they brighten them even more!!!(no pun intended!) Mont-what's his bucket hasn't put another review. Hmmm. I think that review was a flame.... Do you guys think that I'm making Sain look gay? I don't think so. Oh! If any of you have ideas, be sure to tell me, because after chapter 7 or 8 my creative juices run a little low. (Chapter 7 is SO messed up! It ties for my favorite with chapter 5!!!) But please, let's keep with the good, clean fun, ok? I don't want to put the rating up. Thankies! Meh, now on with the fic!!

**Ch.4: MEANWHILE!!!!!**

Kent was in his 48th hour of guard duty. His blood-shot eyes darted about nervously as he muttered inaudibly to himself.

"Oh Kent!!" Lyn called as she ran toward him.

"AHHHHH!!!!!"

Lyn stopped and raised an eyebrow, "Are you feeling ok?"

"Yes,uh-huh,yeah," he said sounding like 'I'm-mentally-unstable-so-don't screw-with-me-or-I-might-just-freak', "I'mfeelingfantastic,justgreat,howaboutyou?"

"I'm good... Oh, yeah! About your replacement, I've been looking all over, but I can't find him!"

"That'sallrightI'mreallyonarollrightnow!InfactIcouldkeepgoing!!JustliketheEnergizerbunny,justkeepgoingandgoingandgoingandgoing!!!!!!" He began to laugh maniacally.

"I'm starting to worry about you, Kent."

"It isn't ME you should worry about!!! The one you SHOULD worry about is..." he looked over both his shoulders before continuing, "Is THEM." He pointed to a small flower bed with daisies and all manner of pretty wild flower.

"What? The flowers?"

"No! The colored things flying around!!" he gave the butterflies a very sour look, "Look at them, fluttering around like they own the place...."

But Lyn didn't stick around to listen to his lunacy and made haste to find a decent replacement for Kent.

Kent watched Lyn run off into the distance, then whipped around and shook a very angry fist at the flower bed and butterflies.

"Look what you did, you little SAVAGES!!! You're going to pay DEARLY for this!!!!" He jumped off Maximus and threw himself into the flower bed, swinging his sword around aimlessly, "GHAAAAA!!!!"

ELSEWHERE!!!!!

Nergal was at WalMart with Limstella and Ephidel.

"What shall we search for today, master?" Limstella asked, "Do you need another pair of slippers or, perhaps an evil spice rack?"

"No," Nergal replied, "I'm searching for something modern that I can use in some evil manner. It's about time we caught up with the times."

"Why here? Isn't there some other store, something like a 'Modern Items for Evil Use' shop we could check? Searching for things in a super store like this makes things rather difficult..." Ephidel suggested.

Nergal let out a sigh and rolled his eye(s), "Well Ephidel, if you CAN find that shop, be sure to notify me and I'll save your worthless hide at our first attempt to summon up a dragon, which we ultimately fail, instead of letting you be vaporized along with it." He replied sarcastically.

Ephidel's lower lip trembled, "I get vaporized?"

Nergal waved off Ephidel's question, "Meh."

"Why don't we consider other options, milord? It most certainly would be easier to go to another store, rather than wander about in this labrynth..."

"No, specialty stores jack up their prices too much. You can't find better prices anywhere but here..... WalMart's got that RollBack thing...." he trailed off.

They then arrived at the Electronics Dept. after 2 hours of walking.

"These are modern things, right?" Nergal asked.

"They would appear to be." Limstella replied.

Just then, a lurpy, greasy, pimply 17 year-old boy walked by carrying a box.

"You!" Nergal barked at him.

Lurpy looked around.

"Yes, you! The awkward one! Attend me!"

"Sorry sir, I've gotta get this box of puppies to the Gardening Dept. or the Boss'll skin me alive."

"Oh, nonsense! I doubt that he'd even want to TOUCH you!" Nergal scoffed, making Lurpy frown, "Now get your disgusting hide over here!" Nergal demanded.

Lurpy reluctantly put the yelping box of puppies down and went to Nergal's aid.

"Ok," he said, "How may I help you?"

"I'm looking for some modern contraption to aid me in calling forth dragons and eventually taking over the world." Nergal said casually.

"Uhhh...." Lurpy thought deeply as he scratched a zit on his forehead, "I'm not sure we carry items like that, but I'm new here. Go ahead and browse around, though. I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for. And don't hesitate to ask a staff member if you have any questions."

"USELESS!!" Nergal dismissed him with a wave, "Now get out of my sight! Your appearance is appalling."

The teenager scowled and took up the writhing box of puppies, storming away muttering angrily about worker's rights or something to that effect.

"Lord Nergal, when did Ephidel leave?" Limstella asked.

"He left?" Nergal replied, sounding somewhat astonished.

"Shall I go find him?"

"Yes. Check the Lingerie section first. That's where he got lost last time...." Nergal said, picking up a camera, "What in the devil is this?"

Limstella, being a morph of her (or his?) duty, had already left without a word in search of Ephidel.

Nergal in the meantime, was totally fascinated by the camera, his behavior mirroring that of a chimp, hitting the camera on the table, and every time it made a noise recoiling in fear.

"How could you possibly use a device such as this? All it is is a box!" Nergal took a look around in search of a staff member, but saw a happy poster of a man, some woman and a couple of brats that seemed to be having a good time. Good time having was one of those things that bothered Nergal most, but instead of overreacting at the sight of the poster and doing something rash and violent, he noticed something, "It appears that the man in that poster is using the same device!" he muttered to himself.

After he had studied the poster thoroughly, he attempted to mimic it.

"Ok." He said as soon as he was SURE that he had it positioned the exact same way as the poster man did. He took a deep breath, and pushed the button.

"What? Nothing happened!!"

He fooled around with it again for a while, pushing a few buttons, and finally it began to make noise, "EEEK!!!" he screamed, throwing it at the table and diving for cover.

After a moment or two, he finally decided that it wasn't going to explode, and went to fiddle with it some more.

"Maybe something will happen this time," He said, repositioning it. But unfortunately, since he's an old fart and his vision isn't what it used to be, he placed the camera backwards with his one good eye looking right into the flash.

He plucked up all the courage he could muster and counted down, "Ok, on the count of three. One... Two...Three!" he said, pushing the button.

"POOF!!" said the flash as it blinded him.

For a moment, he did absolutely nothing. Then, he finally lowered the camera, VERY SLOWLY, and sat it on the table after a little searching.

"What a strange contraption... when you look into it and push the button, it completely robs you of vision..." said an awestruck Nergal.

Then he decided it was best to stand there and wait patiently for Limstella and Ephidel and/or his vision to return, or by some small chance some sort of seeing eye dog to lead him home.

A/N: Heh he he he... I don't know why, but I think it's funny when Limstella says "Evil spice rack." That wasn't as good as I thought it would be, but the other chapter with Nergal at WalMart is really random, so it'll be worth the wait! And one of my favorite chapters is coming up!! I'm sure you guys are going to LOVE it as much as I do!!! And don't forget to review!!!


	5. Ch5: The League of Random Axefighters!

A/N: I'm REALLY upset at my Host brother right now! I wish that he'd tell me before he does something like, oh I don't know, COMPLETELY WIPE THE HARD DRIVE OF THE COMPUTER!!!!!!!!! This is the SECOND time he's done this, and totally erased all the stories I've written! The casualties weren't as bad this time, though. Last time I had 3 stories that got erased! If you want to know more about my Waste-of-Space host brother, go ahead and read the rant I've posted on my Bio. I believe you'll be both mildly amused and extremely disgusted by it!

Now, on to bigger things! This chapter literally came out of nowhere. I have no idea as to where it came from, or why I find it so funny, but I think I still like chapter 7 better. It's actually a pretty close tie between the two! I think you guys'll like chapter 7, too!! Actually, Puzon the Slack-Jawed Mercenary was inspired by Cletus the hillbilly off of the Simpsons.

I'll put the Reader's Response thingy at the bottom this time, because this Author's note's already really long! And another note, I have absolutely nothing against Native Americans. It just popped into my head while I was writing, and it really has nothing to do with anything. So don't think that I'm harboring some sort of hatred or something, savvy? With all that said, let's move on with the fic!

**Ch.5: The League of Random Axefighters!**

"Stop right there, Groznyi!! Dorcas shouted.

"We've come to make you pay for your evil deeds!" Bartre said.

"Yeargh, in short matey, we're gonna gut ya like a fish!" Dart added.

"You'll never stop meee!!!" Groznyi yelled, "Cause Bug's here to back me up!"

"Yeah!" Bug said, bounding in from the mountaintops.

"Well we have.... Hawkeye!" Bartre retorted as Hawkeye suddenly popped into the scene.

"Now we have MORE than enough power to stop you!!!" Dorcas cheered.

"Hawkeye go smash man with ugly name and other man with ugly name." Hawkeye said as he lumbered over to Groznyi and punched him in the head.

"Mmyeargh! Well done, matey! Now let's throw'im in the brig!!" Dart said.

"Now me go smash other man." grunted Hawkeye as he made his way over to Bug.

"Not so fast! We aren't finished yet!!!" Bug cried.

Hawkeye stopped and furrowed his brow in confusion, "Ooog..."

"Not if I have... THIS!!!!!" Bug said, pulling Nils from behind his back.

"Ha! You have nothing without sugar! Hawkeye'll smash you anyway!!" Dorcas laughed. And he continued to laugh right up until Bug pulled out a can of Pepsi and a Snickers bar. "NOOOO!!!"

Bug began to laugh deviously.

"Oooh!! You have candy! Gimme, gimme, gimme!!!" Nils said, snatching the candy and Pepsi and practically inhaling them.

"Ugh. Annoying child present. Must hibernate so me no crush it...." Hawkeye said as he slumped foreward.

"WhAt'S tHe MaTtEr WiTh HaWkEyE? Is He SlEePiNg Or Is HeSiCk Or Is He PuKiNg Or DiD hE dIe Or Is He TyInG hIs ShOeS? WhAt'S uP wItH hIm,HuH, hUh, HuH, hUh?!" Nils chattered endlessly, running around the unconscious Hawkeye AND somehow accenting the horrific capitalization.

"Yeargh. It be useless to wake'im up now. He be out like a light." Dart said.

"Well, I don't think he's COMPLETELY out." Bartre said, "I mean, he IS grunting in his sleep AND he's still on his feet."

"He may be on his feet, but he still be a-sleepin!" Dart replied.

"You can't sleep standing up!" Bartre said, "I think he's-"

"And now," Bug interrupted sinisterly, "I summon Puzon, the Slack-Jawed Mercenary!!"

Poof!! "Howdy ya'll!" Puzon said with a friendly wave, "Ready ta start a-rasslin?"

"Aye, this be a whale of a pickle we've gotten ourselves into. It's gonna be stormy seas fer us." Dart yearghed.

"What's that kooky pirate talking about?" Bartre asked, "It only rains when Hannah comes in out of nowhere and tells us her bones are aching!"

"No, you idiot! He means figuratively speaking! That Puzon's a swordfighter and we're axefighers!" Dorcas told Bartre.

". . ."

"Swords best Axes, Bartre." He informed him.

"Oh.... Right."

Dorcas turned to check up on Hawkeye, "Nils, please don't dance on top of him like that. It's not nice."

"NiNiAn NeVeR lEtS Me hAvE sUgAr BeCaUsE sHe SaYs ThAt It MaKeS mE hYpEr AnD lOuD aNd ObNoXiOuS, bUt I dOn'T sEe AnY pRoBlEm At AlL, dO yOu!?"

"Actually," Bug began, "Your God-Like hyperness is the reason I brought you here."

Then a Semi truck drove by, running over one of the generic citizens. "Ow!!"

Suddenly, Nils got more excited, "WoW! A tRuCk! ThAt ReMiNdS mE oF tHiS oNe TiMe WhEn NiNiAn AnD i WeRe DrIvInG tHrOuGh ThE cOuNtRySiDe, JuSt BeCaUsE wE cAn AnD wE'rE fIlThY rIcH fRoM dAnCiNg ArOuNd In ThE sTrEeTs, WhEn AlL oF tHe SuDdEn, We GoT a FlAt TiRe!¡! SiNcE lOrD eLiWoOd WaSn'T aRoUnD tO cHaNgE iT fOr Us, AnD sHe CoUlDn'T fInD aNyOnE tO tOw It, ShE gAvE mE hAlF a SpRiTe AnD a CoUpLe Of SuGaR pAcKeTs AnD, GuEsS wHaT? I tOwEd ThE cAr HoMe!¡!¡! BoY, tHaT mAdE mE tIrEd!¡!" Nils jumped off of Hawkeye's shoulders and began doing cartwheels around him, "WhEeEeE!¡!¡!¡"

"Gawrsh! What's happened to our Native American friend?!" Puzon exclaimed, referring to Hawkeye, "What've ya done to him, boy!?" he finished, giving Nils the Evil Eye.

"I dIdN't Do AnYtHiNg! YoU hAvE nOtHiNg To PrOoVe It! I'Ve bEeN fRaMeD! It WaSn'T mY fAuLt, ThE dEvIl MaDe Me Do It!¡!¡!"

"Well, Don't ya'll worry! I know CRP!!!" Puzon said, attempting to push Hawkeye off of his feet and onto his back, "Golly, he's a heavy one, ain't he?!"

"Isn't it 'CPR?'" Dorcas pointed out.

After pushing and pushing, he FINALLY succeeded in making Hawkeye topple over onto his rear with the help of Nils. The impact of which awoke the slumbering giant.

"Guh?" Hawkeye grunted, looking around like he forgot where he was.

"Yay! You've revived him!" Bartre jumped for joy, "CRP really DOES save lives!!!"

"What're you doing, Puzon?!" Bug hissed, "That's our ENEMY!!"

"I cannot fight against my Native American bretheren, for I once made a pact with them when they invited me to a sacred Pow-Wow. We, all united as the Great Spirit's children, smoked the Peace pipe and vowed that we'd never raise a blade towards one another in anger."

"... Wow. That's beautiful, Puzon." Dorcas said.

"Yes, it most certainly is, my good sir. That day, I also recieved an Indian name."

"What is it?"

"They called me 'One Whose Underbite Makes Women and Little Children Weep.'"

"What kind of a mercenary are you?! You were supposed to be the kind that'd kill his own mother for a nickle!!!" Bug yelled.

"There are ties deeper than blood, my friend. And that tie would be a Pow-Wow, an honorary indian name, and the smoking of the Peace pipe."

"I payed WAY too much for you!!"

"Excuse me? Was I even FINISHED with the story I began earlier? I don't think so! Now can you please wait patiently until I finish?!" Puzon glared at Bug, waiting for an answer, "Thank you."

"Yeargh, this be totally bogus." Dart muttered to Bartre.

Out of the blue, Nils forced his way into the conversation, "HaVe YoU eVeR hEaRd ThAt SoNg AbOuT tHaNkSgIvInG? YoU kNoW, tHe OnE tHeY uSeD To mAkE yOu SiNg WhEn YoU wErE lItTlE iN kInDeRgArTeN?" Nils began to sing, "ThE pIlGrIiIiImS aNd ThE iNdIaAaAaNs, HaD a PoW-wOw A lOnG tImE aGoOoOoOoOo!¡!¡!"

Hawkeye took a deep breath and released it with a low growl.

"Me woke up from deep slumber. Annoying child still present. Must kill man with ugly name and underbite."

"HaWkEyE's AlIvE! I tOlD yOu He WoUlDn'TdIe!" Then Nils switched topics like a speeding bullet, "It'S jUsT lIkE i ToLd YoU, hE's GoT tHoSe DeViLiSh GoOd LoOkS!" Everyone raised an eyebrow, "I aLwAyS tOlD nInIaN tHaT sHe OuGhT tO mArRy HiM, cAuSe ThEn HeR kIdS wOuLdN't Be ToTaL wEaKlInGs LiKe We ArE!¡!" Nils once again changed topics, "ThErE wAs ThIs OnE tImE wHeN i WaS rUnNiNg ArOuNd OuTsIdE-"

"Ye all be listenin' ta what this whelp has t'say?" Dart asked everyone, "Yeargh, he be a ravin' lunatic!!"

Nils resumed right where he left off, "-BeCaUsE i HaD tOo MuCh SuGaR tHaT dAy AnD nInIaN tOlD mE, 'YoU'rE dRiViNg Me CrAzY!¡! Go OuTsIdE aNd BuRn OfF sOmE oF tHaT eNeRgY bEfOrE i TuRn InTo My DrAgOn FoRm AnD kIlL yOu BeCaUsE i CaN!¡!' So I dEcIdEd To Go OuTsIdE bEcAuSe ShE rEaLlY _cOuLd _KiLl Me BeCaUsE sHe'S lIkE, tHe OrAcLe-DrAgOn ChIcK, aNd I'm LiKe, NoT-"

"You're right! Gosh, he's such a freak!!" Bartre shouted.

"-BuT aNyWaY, i WeNt OuTsIdE aNd WaS rUnNiNg ArOuNd In The FoReSt WhEn AlL Of tHe SuDdEn, i StEpPeD oN a RuStY nAiL!¡!¡! So I rAn HoMe As FaSt As I cOuLd BeCaUsE sTePpInG oN rUsTy ThInGs Is BaD cUz YoU'Ll GeT sOmEtHiNg ThAt SoUnDs LiKe 'TeTrIs'!¡!¡! So WhEn I gOt HoMe I sTaRtEd YeLlInG 'hEy NiNiAn! I nEeD tO gO tO tHe-"

"Rage boiling up in Hawkeye. Head so full begin to 'splode. Oooog...." Hawkeye went into hibernation again standing up.

"-DoCtOr!' So We RaN As fAsT aS wE cOuLd To GeT tO tHe DoCtOr WhEn, GuEsS wHaT hApPeNeD? I wAs BiTtEn By A bAt, ToO!¡! So WhEn We Go To tHe DoCtOr I hAd To GeT sHoTs FoR rAbIeS, tOo InStEaD oF jUsT fOr-"

"Someone please save us!!!" Dorcas wailed.

"Oh, I rEmEmBeR nOw, It WaS 'TeTaNuS', nOt 'TeTrIs'!¡! ThAt WaS oNe Of My WoRsT dAyS eVeR!¡! NoW i HaVe A pHoBiA Of bAtS aNd NaIlS _aNd _NeEdLeS!¡! AnD nOw NiNiAn HaRdLy EvEr LeTs Me Do-"

Out of nowhere, Geitz ran in and shot Bug.

"OW!" Shouted Bug before he exploded and died.

"Yay!" Everybody but Puzon cheered.

"Geitz! I'm SO glad you're here!!!" Dart began to cry, "The boy's been talking endlessly for nearly an hour now!!"

"And we need you to kill Puzon for us, since none of us can." Dorcas added.

"How am I supposed to kill him? I'm an axefighter, too!" Geitz asked, scratching his noggin.

"You can use a bow, silly!" Bartre replied.

"Oh yeah!" said Geitz, "Silly me!" and he shot Puzon in his secret weak spot that used to be secret before Geitz shot it.

"Auggh! How did you know that my knee was my secret weakness?!" Puzon the Slack-Jawed Mercenary wailed as he slapped his hands on his cheeks and melted into a puddle of goo, "OH, THE AGONY!!!!"

"Oh My GoSh He'S mElTiNg... what in....... the world ............... is going ................ on............." Nils yawned, "I'm sleepy...." So he crawled on top of Hawkeye's shoulders, turned around three times and curled up JUST like a kitty-cat.

"Awww... The little guy's all tuckered out." Bartre said.

"Awww!" Everyone cooed, "Isn't he just PRECIOUS?!"

Puzon the Slack-Jawed Puddle bubbled.

"Ha ha ha! You'll never learn, will you Puzon!" Geitz guffawed. And them everyone began to laugh warmly at the puddle of ooze as the camera zoomed out.

A/N: Thank HEAVENS that's over! Do you know how much of a pain in the butt it is to write Nils' lines? Geez, and I had him saying so much, too!

Now, for the Reader Reviews that we all know and love!!!

**Lemurian 04:** Glad that you liked it!I'll just assume that weirder is better, and take that as a complement! That's right! None of us like that plotted nonsense, now do we?

Anyway, I think I'm putting you on my "Glomp List", just cause I can! YAY!

That would be a good name for Isadora's horse, but I don't think I could HOPE pronounce it if I tried! Besides, what does it mean?

**Katelynn: **I'm glad that someone will FINALLY admit that Heath has a mullet! You guys know the saying! "Friends don't let friends have Mullets!"

It's all too true! Kent and Erky really do get the short end of the stick, huh. And with that phrase, you've inspired me with a new chappie! Yay! You're going on my "Glomp List", too!!!

**Nightmare: **Ahh, Nightmare! You've reviewed every chapter so far! Glomp List!

No, Kent hasn't been having coffee, he's just uber tired. Kinda mirroring me when I'm uber tired! I stayed up for 24 hours straight once. It wasn't pretty.

Something I've noticed lately with the WalMart thing, I think there's a formula here. WalMart (plus) Favorite video game character (equals) funny. No, I kid. And shut up about the plus sign thing. I couldn't find the stupid plus sign on this blasted european keyboard. And for some reason the stupid thing has a problem with putting symbols in here, so i didn't put an equal sign here either!

And about the Limstella thing, I heard or read somewhere that the morphs don't really have gender, or something to that effect. Hmm. I'll just keep putting Limstella as a girl, just in case.

Thank you all for the reviews! I really do love them! And I love you, too! What I don't love are the cheapskates out there reading my chappies and NOT reviewing them! That makes me a little upset. And it makes poor Principe Juanito Francisco María Don Pan III sad, too. (Juanito looks at you all with big, SAD, bowling-ball eyes.) Can you REALLY say no to that face??? Now review! All of you, I say!


	6. Ch6: A Different Kind of Love!

A/N: I hope that you were all pleased with the League of Random Axefighters! I've actually considered putting Puzon into his own fic, but I kinda DID turn him into a puddle of ooze. And I don't know what kind of randomness I'd have him doing. It made me sad to gooify poor, poor Puzon.

This is a really weird chapter, too. Heck! ALL of these chapters are weird!

Hey, is there anyone out there that can tell me Florina's Pegasus' name? Cause I could SWEAR that it said Makar in the chapter in Hector's story where Lyn joins you.(Yeah, I don't know the chapter numbers or whatever.) If Florina's next to Hector in this chapter, the "Talk" Command will show up, and I BELIEVE that she calls her Pegasus "Makar" But in the Florina and Hector supports, she calls him Huey! Maybe I should just settle this now and call him Huey Makar. Yeah, that'll do it.

I think I'll be putting the Reader Responses at the bottom again. Enjoy!

**Ch.6: A Different Kind of Love**

"Ephidel, you really ought to come with me," Limstella suggested.

"No! Did you see how he TOTALLY didn't care about my well-being?!" Ephidel cried from inside the Bra-and-Matching-Underwear rack, "He's gonna let me be vaporized!!"

"Well, I inevitably fall in battle defending the fortress. Don't be so dramatic!"

"I demand Abomination's rights! I have the right to NOT be vaporized in an attempt to summon up a dragon!" Ephidel whined.

"Wait! My Nergal sense is tingling!" Limstella stopped and sniffed the air, "And he's in trouble!!!"

"Oh Puh-lease!!! Why do you care about HIM?!"

Limstella grabbed Ephidel, and ran off carrying him under her arm, "We must make haste!!"

MEANWHILE!!!!!

Nergal was blindly stumbling away from a wild litter of puppies that escaped from the Gardening Dept.

"Stop nipping at my heels, you nasty beasts!" He scolded as he ran right into the game case, "Ouch! Curses! If I knew what you miserable things were, I'd smite you on the spot!!"

"Oh, gee! Sorry mister!" Lurpy said sarcastically.

"YOU! I remember you!!! You're that walking Oil-slick we met earlier!! Ahh, so these creatures are your doing, are they?! Come over here so that I can smite you!!!" Nergal commanded.

"Yes sir." Lurpy said defeatedly and stepped in front of Nergal.

Nergal waved his hands around and finally touched Lurpy's face. Nergal shuddered, wiped his hands on his robes, and then slapped him upside the head.

"That's what you get for sicking your wretched beasts on me! Now contain them or I'll smite you again!"

"Yes sir." Lurpy replied as he began gathering the puppies as commanded.

"You there!" Limstella shouted and pointed Lurpy with Ephidel still in hand, "Step away from Lord Nergal, or prepare to die!!!"

Sensing he was in danger, Lurpy proceeded to cower, beg for his life, and simultaneously become twice as oily. This all being a survival reflex.

"Please don't hurt me miss!!" Lurpy stammered, "I was only-"

"SILENCE KNAVE!!" Limstella screamed, "PREPARE YOURSELF!!!"

"Eeep."

And with that she flew foreward, screeching like Xena, and wielding Ephidel like a sword. Lurpy began to run, but then assumed the fetal position when he realized there was nowhere to hide. Limstella wound up and smacked him good, sending him clear to the Gardening Dept. from whence he came.

"OW!" said Ephidel and Lurpy.

"YAY!!!" cheered Nergal with a pair of pom-poms.

Limstella stood there for a moment, thinking she was cool and then put Ephidel into her sword sheath.(Don't question my logic.) Then she felt like she had to add a cool finishing line, so she did.

"Victory is ours."

"Wait a minute.... I CAN SEE!!!!" Nergal exclaimed.

"That's fantastic, Lord Nergal." Limstella replied.

"Now, let us continue onward!"

"Look, Milord!" said Ephidel from inside the sheath, "Let's go over to those things!!"

"I have no idea as to what you're talking about, Ephidel." Nergal said, "So we're going to the VCR Dept."

"Awwww, why?" Ephidel asked/whined.

"Because it sounds more important. 'Nuff said."

So, just as Nergal said, they went to the VCR Dept. where Nergal examined everything very closely as Limstella stood by his side. RIGHT by his side.

"Really, Limstella! You don't need to stand so close to me!"

"But I am only making sure that you don't lose your vision again, milord."

"Yes!" exclaimed Ephidel once again from inside the sheath, "If you DO lose it again, then this time we can find it for you!"

". . ."

". . ."

". . . What?!"

"You're an idiot, Ephidel. Now I'm for SURE not going to save you from the dragon."

"Fine! I don't want to be your stupid evil minion, anyway!"

"Whatever. Quit standing so close to me, Limstella."

She took a step back.

"A little more."

She took another step.

"That's better."

Nergal resumed examining the VCR's. After something like 30 minutes, he finally spoke.

"Limstella, have you noticed that all of these items have a big, important looking button labeled 'Power?'"

She glanced over at the VCR's, "Yes."

"So what does that mean? Do you think that that it means that instead of using that useless dragon girl, I could take this thing, push the button and call it good?" Nergal asked her hopefully.

"I do not know."

For some reason, Nergal took that as a 'Yes,' "Wow! The thought of so much power at my finger tips makes me tremble!"

"Are you sure it isn't your low blood sugar?"

"... No."

"Then perhaps we ought to get you something to eat."

"... No."

". . ."

"Oh, just let the old Dingbat die!" Ephidel shouted bitterly, "See if I care!!"

". . ."

". . ."

". . ."

Nergal spotted a clerk, "You there! Which one of these..." he paused for a moment, "Devices is the most powerful?"

She walked over, "Most powerful?"

"Yes."

"Well, what're you planning on doing with it?"

"I'm planning on bringing about the end of the world."

She chuckled warmly, "Oh, that! That's become a pretty common reason lately!"

"Really?"

"Oh, yes! There were at least one or two other men that said the exact same thing!"

"Hmm. No matter. Which one did you sell to them?"

"Well, to be honest, it doesn't really matter what you choose!"

Nergal looked over at the vast expanse of VCR selections before him and then slowly turned his head to face her with a puzzled expression on his face.

"This is WalMart!" She said as if that should answer a question he never asked.

"Fine," he said, "Give me the cheapest one."

"Alrighty!" She said, grabbing a VCR and setting it on the table.

Nergal put an entire bag of gold on the counter, and began to walk away with the VCR, "That ought to suffice."

The clerk sat there, utterly confused, "Oh, um. Thank you?"

LATER IN NERGAL'S SUPER SECRET LAIR!!!!!

"I can't believe you bought it," Ephidel, the dangerous weapon said. "You probably got ripped off."

"Shut it!" Limstella hissed at him, "Do you want to die earlier than you should?!"

"Yeah, like it'll matter!"

"Shut up, the both of you!" Nergal snapped, "The only thing keeping me from smiting you two here and now is my incredibly good mood!" he finished, looking at the VCR with love in his eye(s).

"And your low blood sugar, right?" Ephidel asked.

"... Yes, that too."

"Why don't you eat something? Isn't it bad for a man such as yourself to be functioning on such low blood sugar?"

"... No."

". . ."

". . ."

"Anyway, we'll commence the installation as soon as I get my turban put on right."

Then Nergal went and gave the VCR a very BIG hug and then frolicked off to the bathroom.

Limstella stood there and waited like a good morph should, when all of the sudden, her sword sheath began to move.

"Get out of my sword sheath, Ephidel."

A/N: All of these chapters are so screwed up! Yay! Now for Reader Responses!

**Nightmare: **I don't know about one of the most insane creations, but it's pretty crazy. I promise you the next chappie is more insane! It has me giggling like a silly twit every time!

**Queen of the Insects:** I'm glad you like Nils! It sure makes my brain tired to read all that crazy print! I had considered putting Hector into the League of Random Axefighters, but he has a bigger role to play! Hmmm.... Do I think that Eliwood if Elicould? Um, yes? ...... He gets a pony later!

Once again, thank you all for the reviews! And be sure to tell all your friends to read AND review!! Yay!


	7. Ch7: The REAL Story of Lowen's Rescue!

A/N: Be warned, this chapter is almost scary. But for now, it's one of my favorites! All the crap that happens, well, let's just say that there is no character bashing in this one. So if there's anything that LOOKS like character bashing, or whatever, it's not.(And don't go bashing Eliwood or Hector or anybody in my reviews, savvy? If you do, heads're gonna roll... Believe it or not, I actually LIKE Eliwood! Gasp!) Ok? Good.

**Ch.7: The REAL Story of Lowen's Rescue!! **

Stop right there, Hags!!" two very heroic sounding voices called out as they kicked the door down, right in the nick of time.

"No! We've been ratted out!!!" Hannah screamed as she dove for cover behind Eunice, "Ow! My back!!"

"Where do you two get off kicking an old woman's door in like that?!" Eunice yelled.

Hector and Eliwood exchanged glances.

"We're going to try that again! Now, put the door back on its hinges and enter like civilized people!!!"

"Yes ma'm." they both muttered, and then did what they were told.

Knock, knock, knock!

"Yes, who is it?"

"Stop right there, Hags!!" they called out heroically once again, except this time they opened the door nicely, which was significantly less cool than kicking it in.

"Shut the door! It's bloody chilly in here!" Hannah barked.

"Oh, sorry Miss." Eliwood apologized, shutting the door.

"Very good boys," Eunice said, "That was very civilized."

"Thank you ma'm."

Hector's expression changed from minor to extreme irritation, "Eliwood! I thought we were here to do some Wench-Bashing, not to brush up on our rescue etiquitte!"

"Yes, we were here to 'Wench-Bash', but I want to try talking first, before resorting to violence."

"'I want to try talking, blah, blah, blah,' That's a weenie's way of thinking!!"

Eliwood suddenly got uncharacteristically angry, "You calling me a weenie?!"

"That's right!!"

They both grabbed eachother by the shirt collar, but Hector had to lift Eliwood off the ground a bit so that they could be eye-to-eye and have that "angry conflict electricity" deal going.

Suddenly, Matthew burst through the door, "STOP!!! YOU MUSN'T FIGHT AMONGST YOURSELVES!! THAT'S JUST WHAT THEY WANT!!!!"

"Son of a- Why does everyone have to kick my door in!?"

"We're done for!!" Hannah wailed, "Ow! My back!!"

"AHHHH!!!! WHERE AM I?! WHY'S IT SO DARK!?!" Lowen cried.

"Lowen!" Eliwood shouted, "Where are you?"

"Oh joy. He's alive." Hector said.

"I- I don't know! All I know is that it's dark and there's a pungent smell of garlic!!"

"Where'd you put him, you old bags?!" Hector snarled, cracking his knuckles.

"We aren't going to tell you if you take that tone with us, mister!"

"We must negotiate with them, Hector." Eliwood said, because he always has to play the voice of reason, just since no one else will.

"I'd rather sit at a lame, drawn-out, pink fru-fru, nonstop-bubbles-and-sparkles-background tea party with Serra and the Pegasus Sisters for an entire day than attempt to reason with those hags!" said Hector.

Then, Karel popped into the scene, "Be careful what you wish for, for it may just come true! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!" he laughed deviously, and then disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

". . ." everyone didn't say.

"Ok," Matthew began, disregarding Karel's strange way of foreshadowing,"our only clues are that where ever he is, it's dark and smells like garlic."

Everyone clicked into thinking mode, including Eunice and Hannah because they're Alzheimery old women, and they couldn't remember anything that happened that day before breakfast, so naturally they'd forgotten that Lowen had locked himself in the closet.

Eliwood went and sat down on his Thinking Throne where he began to ponder as poorly drawn pictures of the clues he had floated above his head.

"Well, Blue," he told Hector, "I think we need to find our third clue."

"Ruff, ruh-ruh raooo!" Hector agreed.

So everyone followed Eliwood and Hector out of the hallway, all walking rhythmically to Matthew singing their newest theme song, "We're all lookin' for Looowen! We're all lookin' for Looowen! We're all lookin' for Loowen, cause-these-old-hags-for-got!!!"

"Stop, Ed!" the Tactician and various little children cried, "Look, a clue!!"

Eliwood stopped and looked around, "A cluuuuue?!"

"Over there!" Jordan and the children said in unison, referring to a giant poster with the words 'Lowen is in the closet' written in big, bold, black lettering.

Everybody stood there stupidly looking around everywhere but behind them.

"Where do you think it is, Blue?" Eliwood asked Hector.

"Ruh, ruh, rraoo, ruff." Hector replied.

Jordan walked on screen, "Honestly," she said, grabbing the poster and handing it to Ed, er Eliwood, "I can understand wanting to play the part and all, but there's a fine line between children's show innocence and complete idiocy!!!" she stomped off the scene.

Everyone exchanged glances and shrugged their shoulders, "UM!"

Then they made the trip upstairs to rescue Lowen.

"Uh-oh," Eliwood said, "the door won't open."

"UM!" Everyone exclaimed.

2 HOURS LATER!!!!!

Matthew remembered he was a thief. "Wait a minute.... I CAN UNLOCK DOORS!!!"

"YAY!!!" Everyone cheered.

Matthew whipped out his lockpicks and held them up importantly, making them say "Ping!", just cause they're so darn shiny! Then he started the not-so-tedious job of unlocking the door. But thenhis lockpicks inexplicably broke.

"Awwww....." Everyone said.

ANOTHER 2 HOURS LATER!!!!!

Sain walked through the door, "Hello, Mother." He said with little or no emotion at all, "I'm home."

Nobody replied. They all just stared at him like deer in the headlights. And he stared at them the same way they were staring at him.

Everybody was strewn about the hallway, standing there, except for Hector and Eliwood, because Eliwood was sitting in the Thinking Throne with Hector sitting on the floor next to him. There was nothing but awkward slience for a time. Then Eliwood, being the brave soul he is, was the first to break the uncomfortable silence.

"Look Blue!" he said, "We have a visitor!"

"Ruh-raooo!" barked Hector.

"... Why're you all here, standing in the hallway of all places?" Sain asked, "Are you hanging out with Hannah and my Mother?"

"Oh, heavens no, Sainy my dear!" Eunice said, "We'd never be seen with rabble like this!"

"Yes, we do have a reputation to keep!" Hannah added.

"Reputation for what? Ruining young men's lives? Leaving horrible emotional scars?" Sain asked.

Hannah and Eunice didn't reply.

Sain gasped, "You sick- How could you?"

"What?!" Hannah snapped.

"YOU GOT LORDS HECTOR AND ELIWOOD, TOO!?! HAVE YOU ANY IDEA OF WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!"

"Shut your trap, Sain! I'll have you know that they kicked the door down to save Loren, whom we were torturing before he locked himself in the closet!" Eunice spat back.

"My name's Lowen!"

"And now we're all trying to figure out how to get him out!" Hannah said.

Sain let out a sigh of relief, "Phew. So you want to get him out of the closet?" Sain said, grinning a little.

"Yes," Matthew replied.

Sain approached the closet and knocked on the door, "Lowen,"

"Yeah? Who's that?"

"Sain. Hey, the lock's on your side."

Click! "Oh yeah! I guess I forgot it was when I passed out!"

Everyone sat there, completely dumbfounded. Actually, Hector was trying to suppress his anger with chanting and breathing exercizes.

"Breathe in, breathe out, anger melting away, flames of fury calming...."

"Ha ha ha! Sorry to have made you waste all that time trying everything you could think of to get me out!" Lowen chuckled, causing Hector to chant and breathe more rapidly.

Lowen began to turn the doorknob, but suddenly stopped.

Click!

"Lowen? What did you do?" Eliwood asked.

"I locked the door!"

"Why?" Matthew asked, "We came to save you!"

Hector's calming exercizes utterly failed him, "WE CAME HERE AND SPENT FOUR _HORRENDOUS_ HOURS WITH THESE WRETCHED WALKING CORPSES TO GET YOU OUT!!!!!! COME OUT OR I _SWEAR_ I WILL COME IN THERE TO KILL YOU MYSELF!!!!!" Hector bellowed at the top of his lungs.

"Peace, Hector!" Eliwood said.

"You, can't blame him," Sain said, "after what they've probably put him through."

Hannah and Eunice cackled with glee.

Sain turned to Lowen's rescue team, "I'd run for your lives if I were you," he said, cooly making his exit out of the hallway and down the stairs.

"As if!" Hector scoffed, "We're going to finish what we came to do!"

"Yeah!" cheered Eliwood and Matthew, who then joined Hector in a group high-five full of school spirit. Yeah, you know the one.

"I could care less if the entire army were there! I'm not coming out if those women are out there!!" Lowen said.

"COME OUT!!!!" Hector ordered.

"I'd rather have Vaida lovingly (shudder) shove meatballs of mystery meat down my throat for an extended period of time than come out like a man and face those evil, evil women!!!"

Poof! "Be careful what you wish for, for it may just come true! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!" Karel laughed and ran out the door.

"Eunice! He's cuter than Lenny is!"

"My name's Lowen!"

"Let's go get him!"

And with that, Eunice and Hannah gave chase to Karel out the door, "Ow! My back!!"

Silence.

"Geez. That's the third time he's done that...." Matthew said.

"It's safe for you to come out now, Lowen." Eliwood said.

Lowen timidly poked his head out the door, "Really? Are they gone for good?"

"Yes."

"Hey, Sain!" Hector hollered, "I have a question for you!"

"What?" Sain hollered back.

"How'd you know the lock was on the inside of the door?"

"Because I installed it for Kent a while back!"

"OH!" Everyone exclaimed.

Eliwood turned to the audience, "Well, it's time to say goodbye, everyone! Thanks for your help!"

"Don't mention it!" Jordan said.

"Would you all help me with the goodbye song?" he paused for an answer for a second, "You will?! Great!" He replied emphatically to the silence.

"C'mon, Blue! Join in!"

". . ."

Eliwood began singing, "Now it's time for so long! But let's just sing one more- OW!"

Hector slapped Eliwood, "The Blue's Clues thing ended a while ago."

"You didn't have to hit me..." Eliwood pouted.

"Believe me, it was entirely necessary."

"YAY!" Everyone cheered, "LET'S TAKE LOWEN HOME!!!"

With Lowen in tow, Eliwood, Hector and Matthew walked into the sunset, which subsequently burned them, so they walked somewhere else.

A/N: Yay! What'd you think? Hey, if any of you have good ideas that you think I could use, be sure to tell me because I'm running a little low! Suggestions? Anything?

Now, you all know what time it is, don't you?! (Need I say more?)

**Nightmare:** You're so good! Yay for you reviewing every chapter! Hmmm... Ok, Ephidel might do something, but I think Nergal's learned his lesson from the camera, so I don't think it'll go twice, but I'll come up with something!

I think this chapter probably answered your question about Hector. (But if it didn't, well, I think that might be a bad thing if you didn't notice.)

El Principe Juanito Francisco María Don Pan III's Birthday will be later on. Much later depending on how much crap I feel like putting in.

Did that line really sound suggestive? Well, what I wanted her to portray with that was more like "Get your butt over here or face the wrath of Nergal." kind of thing. Oh, well! Now I have a question for you, do you keep reviewing twice on purpose? Just a thought!

**Darkness-Aura: **Thankies! Glad you liked it! And BELIEVE me, I shall continue!! Any suggestions or whatever?

**Queen of the Insects: **Yes indeed! I don't know why, but I love the word smite! I had to work hard to keep myself from using it too much!

The Ephidel sword thing was really weird, huh? Ha ha ha! The thought of Nergal frolicking probably scares everyone, but what can you do? If the man wants to frolick, by golly, you let him frolick! (Pardon my absurdity, I didn't get much sleep last night, so I'm a little spacy today!) You really think this is the funniest thing? Why, I'm so flattered! Thankies!

**Lemurian 04:** That's good that you think it's getting better! I'm particularly fond of the League of Random Axefighters!

Alright kiddies! Be sure to tune in next time for more insanity! The next one has a true story!(Involving only me of course.) And be sure to review! They really do make my day!


	8. Ch8: Kent's Replacements

A/N: I liked the last chapter... Ok, big announcement. I won't be able to update nearly as frequently as I have in the past, just because right now I'm transferring to an art school(w00t!) where they'll actually EXPECT me to work! So I'll update as often as I can, but if I don't update for a while, don't lose faith in me, please!! I'll probably have to type up my chapters on the weekends, or something.

Anyway, this'll be one of those chapters where the MEANWHILE!!!!! thing is used a lot. All of the meanwhiles mean that I'm going to have material for the next few chapters! Yay! Ok, whatever. Shut up, Jordan! (Slap, slap, slap!!!) I originally had Pent characterized differently, but then I decided that he reminded me way too much of the way Ivanfanatic characterizes Pent, so I made he and Louise more like Don Quixote, if any of you know what that is.... At any rate, tell me how it goes. Thankies!

**Ch.8: Kent's Replacement(s)!?**

"Keeeeeennnt....."

'Hm?' Kent thought, 'Who's that?'

"Keeeeeennnt...." The same voice said, "Wakey, wakey..."

Someone else giggled, "Oh, just let him sleep, Farina!"

"I'll bet he was exhausted," a third voice said, "The poor thing. He was on watch for something like 72 hours straight."

Farina grabbed a stick and poked him.

"He probably won't wake up, Farina,"

Farina shrugged it off and continued to poke him

Eventually, Kent rolled over, "Mmeh..." he said, lazily waving his hand around like he were swatting flies.

"See? Now can we please leave him alone?" a nervous voice asked, "I'm not sure I want him to wake up..."

"Nah, don't worry, Florina! Kent's totally harmless! Wait! I've got an idea!! Both of you shut up!"

Farina cleared her throat, "KENT!!! IT'S LYN!!!!!"

Kent shot up as if he weren't sleeping like a rock two seconds ago, "Lady Lyndis?!" He looked around eagerly, but to his disappointment, all he saw was Florina, Farina and Fiora giggling like school girls.

Kent frowned, "What're you doing here?"

"We're your (Drumroll, please) REPLACEMENTS!!!!" The three said simultaneously.

"Oh,"

"Yes, sir!" Farina began enthusiastically, "Your replacements are none other than the Pegasus Sisters themselves: Farina,"

"Florina,"

"And Fiora!!"

"Yay!!!" they cheered.

"Oh,"

"N- now that we're covering your shift, you can go and shower!" Florina said, hiding behind Fiora.

"Shower?" Kent asked, ALMOST getting offended, but then he noticed his reflection in a mirror that was inexplicably hanging on a tree and saw that he was covered with dirt, grass and all sorts of nastiness. "Oh, Right."

Kent started on his way, but after a minute or two, he remembered that he forgot Maximus and Katrina-Bo, so he went back to get them. While he was there, he thought of something, "Hey, why are the three of you here? Just curious."

"Well," Fiora said, "Florina was the one who was originally asked to do it, but she was scared to do it alone, so she asked me to come along!"

"And I came because I could make some money!" Farina added.

"Yay!!!" They exclaimed in unison.

"Right." Kent said, "Well, have a good time!"

"We will!" They reassured him.

MEANWHILE!!!!!

Serra decided to give her tea party another shot. She invited the same guests as last time, but with the addition of Raven, Louise, Priscilla, and Pent this time around.

"Welcome to my party, everyone!" Serra announced, "I am SO glad that you could make it to 'Serra's Con'tea'nuation tea party!" She snickered at her stupid pun.

Erk just snorted and shifted angrily in the chair he was once again tied to, earning an evil glare from Serra.

"I'm very obliged to be here, milady!" Pent said, "Might I have another cup of tea?"

Serra was quite flattered, especially since he addressed her as "Milady", but then she remembered that he'd gone crazy a few days ago.

You see, he wasn't seated at a table like everyone else was, he was in the saddle of a horse WAY past its prime, wearing random peices of armor. Right next to him, Louise was seated on a donkey, equally past its prime.

"Pent, don't you--" Louise began.

"What? Are you talking to me, Louicita?"

Louise sighed, "Pent Quixote de la Mancha, Don't you think you've had enough tea?"

"Of course not, little Compadre! Now, another cup of tea, or it's off to the giants with you!!"

"Giants?" Erk said, "He really has lost it, hasn't he?"

"The 'Giants'" she replied, doing the quotation things with her fingers, "Were a bunch of windmills we ran into the other day. He went totally beserk when he saw them."

"They were threatening the safety of the entireity of the Kingdom of Spain!!" Pent exclaimed, "Thanks to me and my little compadre here, you're all tea partying in peace today!!"

MEANWHILE, AT TABLE TWO!!!!!

"I'm so glad we could spend this lovely afternoon together, Lord brother!" Priscilla said, beaming with happiness.

"Yeah. Me too." He replied.

"I helped plan the tea party again!" Lucius said, just figuring that the two of them would want to know.

"And it's perfect!" Priscilla and Raven replied.

MEANWHILE, AT TABLE THREE!!!!!

Nino, Heath, Guy and Canas sat at a table.

"Heath, you sure are quiet today." Canas said, "What's wrong?"

". . ."

"Heath, your Turbie-Twist is falling out..." Nino pointed out.

"I don't care..."

"Aw, c'mon Heath! Cheer up!" Guy said.

"I miss my hair!!!" Heath weeped, burying his face in his hands.

Nino patted Heath on the back, "It's all right, Heath! We're all here to help you through this!"

"We sure are!" Guy said.

"Thank you!" Heath said between sobs, "I- I- I can m- make it through this!"

"You sure can!" Canas said, "Jolly good show!"

MEANWHILE, BACK AT TABLE ONE!!!!!

Erk began to chuckle, "Hey Serra! I hope nobody comes to crash your tea party this time!"

"I'm sure nobody will..... If they know what's good for them, that is....."

MEANWHILE!!!!!

Matthew, Hector and Eliwood were taking Lowen home.

"Lord Hector?" Matthew asked.

"Hm?"

"Nothing personal, but your cloak's on fire."

"What? AHHHHH!!!" Hector began screaming his head off and frantically running around in circles.

MEANWHILE!!!!!

"This is SO boring!" Farina whined.

The other Pegasus Sisters ignored her whining, cause she'd been whining about how bored she was since the first hour they started.

"This is SOOO boring!!!" Farina whined again a few minutes later, in case her sisters hadn't heard her the first million times she stated it.

Fiora put her hands on her head as if she were ready to tear her hair out, "We know!! You've told us a billion times!!"

"This a colossal waste of time!" Farina said.

"You're making money, isn't that motivation enough?!" Florina said, uncharacteristically forceful.

"The boredom I'm suffering is so NOT worth the money!"

Fiora began massaging her temples, "So what are you planning on doing? Just leaving?"

Farina laughed, "Of course not! I'm simply going to find a way to make more money!"

Florina looked frightened, "That could only mean...."

"Yup, you guessed it!" Farina declared, "We make like Gitano (Hi-ta-no) Gypsies and put on a street show!"

Florina and Fiora exchanged glances.

MEANWHILE!!!!!

"KA-BOOOOM!!!"

There was a giant explosion in the castle lockeroom.

"Cripes, Eunice! He got away again!" Hannah yelled, watching Karel prance out of the room mockingly, "Ow! My back!!"

"MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! You'll never catch me!!!" Karel had a look of sheer enjoyment plastered all over his face. He'd never had so much fun toying with anyone in his entire life.

MEANWHILE!!!!!

Sain was having a peaceful afternoon at home.

"It's so wonderful not to have mother here! I only wish I could do this more often!!"

Currently, Sain was compiling El Principe Juanito Francisco María Don Pan III's to invite list.

"Hmmm... Who to invite." Sain thought out loud, "Let's invite Kent, Maximus, Lowen, Katrina-Bo, Marcus, The Great Buffoon St. Edward of Boredom," Sain stopped, "Was that the name of Marcus' horse?" after thinking for a moment, he shrugged his shoulders and moved on, "Lady Lyndis, Priscilla, Rebecca, Serra, Isadora, Jossi's Little Helper, Fiora...."

MEANWHILE!!!!!

"A street show?" Fiora asked.

"Not just ANY street show," Farina hopped on to a nearby rock to look cool and important, "we're doing CIRCUS DUCKS!!!"

Florina and Fiora sweatdropped, "Circus ducks?"

"Well, yeah. The whole having a goat stand on a tiny pedestal wearing a stupid hat with insane circus music playing in the background thing is SO unoriginal, so we're doing circus ducks." Farina explained.

"Hey, I have an idea!" Fiora said.

"What fantastic, super-duper idea could you POSSIBLY have?" Farina asked sarcastically, rolling her eyes.

Her sisters frowned at her cutting sarcasm.

"That was uncalled for, Farina..." Florina said.

"My idea is way better than yours, Fiora."

Fiora knitted her brow, "How do you know that, huh?"

"Well, for one, I made them pay for my services, while you two joined for free."

They gave her a questioning look, "So?"

"Well, that just shows that you PLAINLY don't have an eye for money-making, and I do."

Still unsure how this really related to anything, the other two Pegasus Sisters continued to give her puzzled looks.

"I win." Farina said smugly, folding her arms.

"You can't say that my idea sucks until you've ACTUALLY heard it!" Fiora pouted.

"Oh fine!" Farina threw her hands into the air, "I'll listen if it'll stop your whining!"

MEANWHILE!!!!!

(True story!)

Jordan was sitting on her bed, leaning against the wall, listening to music and writing stupid stories. She was enjoying herself, swaying to the rhythm, singing and whatnot.

But, after a while she grew weary of her own stupidity and decided to stop writing and sit there instead. Some minutes later, for some reason she noticed her shadow on the wall, and suddenly began doing shadow puppets. Upon deciding that her right hand's shadow was a dog, she made it bark, "Woof, woof, woof..."

A few minutes later, she noticed her socks and had a lightbulb moment, "Hey... I could use my SOCKS as puppets!!"

So she took off one of her socks and began puppeteering. Inevitably, since she was listening to music, she began having the puppet sing the music. But it wasn't sufficient to have just ONE puppet when there are plainly TWO parts to the songs, so she removed the other sock so to have it sing harmony.

There she sat between the two of them rocking out, with her bouncing to the music, singing and the whole lot of them having a dandy time, which lasted for about an hour and a half, (End of true story) before Rebecca entered.

Dead silence.

"What're you doing?" Rebecca asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Rockin' out. And you?"

"I'm introducing my Great great great great great grandpa Gordon (twice removed) to everyone!" she replied cheerfully, either disregarding or completely missing the fact that Jordan was using the sock puppets to speak.

"That's," Jordan snickered a little, "GREAT!"

And the entire room burst into laughter over Jordan's left hand's pun.

"Great grandpa Gordon (twice removed) is from FE1," Wil said matter-of-factly, "Or whatever one Marth's in."

"Wow!" Jordan's right hand said, "The Green-haired archer kid and the Green-haired archer chick are related!!"

"The GHAK and GHAC! They're pronounced the same too!" her left hand laughed.

And once again, everyone burst out laughing, even if what her left hand said wasn't funny or relevent to anything.

Great grandpa Gordon (twice removed) narrowed his eyes in suspicion, "This is your 'Tactician?'"

"Yeah, Grandpa! Isn't she great?" Wil said.

"Great?" Great grandpa Gordon (twice removed) scoffed, "I'm starting to wonder why my progeny's lives are in the hands of someone who's currently using SOCKS to speak!"

"Don't be fooled by the puppets! She's really not as crazy as she looks!" Rebecca reassured him.

"Crazy or not, you whippersnappers ought to learn how to think for yourselves! Back in my day we didn't need any Tactician to give US direction!"

"That's cause back in YOUR day, everyone was weak and stupid." Jordan retorted, "Ooh! I love this song!"

Great grandpa Gordon (twice removed) was shocked and appalled, "How dare you! You ought to learn to respect your elders, little missy!"

"Actually Grandpa, you don't look old, considering we somehow surpassed the laws of space and time to bring you here in your teenage years." Rebecca pointed out.

"Yeah, and your pre-pubescent voice makes you sound like you're 12 or something, so maybe YOU should be respecting HER!" Wil pointed out further.

"Shut up!"

"Wow!" Jordan exclaimed with her eyes wide, "I found a Quarter in my pocket!"

"Quarter?" Great grandpa Gordon (twice removed) asked, "Quarter of what?"

Jordan rolled her eyes, " 'Quarter of what?' He asks. Now I know where Wil gets it from."

"What?" Wil asked, "What's that supposed to mean?"

MEANWHILE!!!!!

Kent took a bath and went to bed.

MEANWHILE!!!!!

Fiora told the other two Pegasus Sisters about her idea.

"What if we put on some sort of street show with our pegasi?" she suggested, "Then we won't have to worry about where we're supposed to get the ducks from!"

"It's not that hard to find ducks, Fiora." Farina said, "There are plenty of people here that own ducks."

"What? You were planning on buying them?" Florina asked.

"You forget, Florina, that I'm a total cheapskate."

"...Oh..."

"You'd steal ducks from other people's houses?!" Fiora looked shocked.

"Uh, yeah." Farina said with a subliminal 'Duh.'

"... Stealing's bad, Farina." Florina said.

"Well, Circus ducks is a total moneymaker! We'd be able to pay the duck's owners TWICE of what the ducks are worth once we make it big."

"Yeah, ONCE we make it big. If we EVER make it big." Fiora said skeptically.

"I really don't think that Fiora's idea is that bad, Farina...."

Farina only responded with a bratty-pout face.

". . ."

". . ."

". . ."

Suddenly, they heard someone screaming.

"AHHHHH!!! Somebody do something!!! I'm on fire!!!"

Hector suddenly rounded the corner, running like an Olympic sprinter ...... With its cape on fire.

"Oh wow! Maybe he'll pay us if we put him out!!"

"OUTTA MY WAY!!!" Hector said, pushing the Pegasus Sisters aside, throwing the front gates open, and dashing into the castle courtyard.

"Hector! I keep telling you, Stop, Drop and Roll! Stop, Drop and Roll!! All your running is feeding the flame!!!" Eliwood yelled, running through the gate after him.

The Pegasus Sisters sat there for a moment, stunned.

"Wait a sec..... HE PUSHED US OVER!!" Farina said, suddenly getting indignant.

"I can't believe he did that!" Fiora exclaimed.

"I-I think I landed on a rock," Florina cried, "M-m-my bum hurts!!"

Fiora went to comfort her little sister, "There, there Florina."

"You made Florina cry! Hector! We, the Pegasus Sisters, shall have our revenge!!" Farina vowed.

Suddenly, there was a crash heard followed by a piercing scream that could be recognized as Serra's.

A/N: Not too shabby eh? I think this one holds the record for being the longest!! 7 pages! Can you believe it?! I thought that this chapter was going to turn out bad, but it actually DIDN'T! Yay! Now on to reader responses!

**Guardian Arrow: **It was a little scary, wasn't it? Funny thing is, that it all just started with the term "Thinking Throne." I'm glad you like my chappies! I love them all too!!! (Hugs her chapters lovingly)

**Brooke:** Um, thanks Mom...... That's my mommy!! And what a coinkidink! I AM incredibly good-looking! Woah, talk about WEIRD!

**Neonn:** Geez, it's been a while since I've heard from you! Have you really played Fire Emblem?

Way to ruin the chapter! GOSH! Of course he doesn't have one! But don't worry, I still love you!(GLOMP!) Now I'll just have to dodge around it.... like I've been doing almost the entire story! MWA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

Now, answer me this, WHEN are you going to put another chapter in Butterfly effect?! I wanna know what happens!!

Hey, is Jossi still using the term 'Silly Moo?'

**Destin the Mercenary:** I'm glad that you liked it! What'd you like about the humor? Examples?

Believe me, I know about some of the typos if they involve words not being correctly spaced. I hate this stupid space bar! It's all messed up cause Marty types like a freaking Mongloid! I'm just gonna start blaming all the problems in my life on this blasted Spanish keyboard! And we'll name him Marty to mirror how much I also dislike my host brother! STUPID MARTY!!

**Nightmare:** Don't sweat the double review thing! Or the Eliwood thing, either! I've done my fair share of character bashing, too. I'm planning on doing TONS of bashing to Renault, because I hate him.

I'm planning on the wishes coming true, but I want more stuff between that. That'll probably be way later, along with the B-day party. Or not. This really has no set plot line!

**Queen of the Insects:** I don't hate Vaida. I just imagined Lowen as being the kind of guy that'd be totally scared of her. No, really, I don't hate Vaida! She practically RUNS the next chapter!

Ooh! I'll keep Athos and Brammimond in mind for later! Especially Brammimond! Hee hee hee.... What a silly it.

Thank you to all who reviewed! You are the lifeblood of this story! No, seriously, I wouldn't be putting chapters up were it not for you! GROUP GLOMP!!! Be sure to stay tuned for next chapter! Jaffar's in it! And Karla, too! YAY! I love you all!


	9. Ch8x: ¡Los Reyes Magos!

A/N: This isn't the next chapter I was talking about in the last chapter, but I think that you'll enjoy this nonetheless! Just cause it's a, um, Gaiden chapter! Yup, you heard me!

You see, a few days ago was the day of the Three Kings, or Los Reyes, which is basically the same deal as Christmas, but without Santa Clause, and with the Three Kings and their camels instead. Anyway, I found everything so THOROUGHLY entertaining, I was inspired to write a chapter of it! At first I wondered if I could get away with it, like it would ruin the plotline or something, but then I remembered that the plot is PRACTICALLY nonexistent! Ha ha ha! Look at me now, writing this chapter! Enjoy my cultural coolness! (Basks momentarily in her own glory before audience pushes her off the stage and gangbeats her to a bloody pulp.)

**Ch.8x: Los Reyes Magos!**

Yesterday afternoon, like some sort of paradox, everyone dropped whatever they were doing and all coincidentally decided to crash at Caelin castle.

It would make sense to say that since they'd gone and just dropped everything, there were a few things left unresolved. Like Hector's cape, for example. Not only had he not REMOVED the cape, but he hadn't even gotten as far as putting the flame out. So as he slept, the flame contuinued to smolder happily upon his cape, though seemingly without progressing or regressing. Evidently, Hector managed to neutralize the laws of nature.

Anyway, everyone was soundly sleeping with visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads, when suddenly in the hallway,

"¡Los Reyes Magos han venido! ¡Los Reyes Magos han venido!" Jordan and Pent Quixote de la Mancha sang, galloping down the hall. Pent was mounted on his horse, which he hadn't dismounted even ONCE for the duration of nearly an entire week, and Jordan was running and dancing alongside him.

"What in the world?" Eliwood muttered sleepily, "What are they doing?! And what kind of devil language is that?!"

Karel glanced down at his Rolex, that he probably SHOULDN'T have 'cause he's in the Medieval ages, but does anyway 'cause he wanted to look like a total pimp. It was 4:30 in the morning. Come on, even complete psychos need their beauty sleep.

"Eeeek!!" Serra screamed, "They're speaking in tongues!! Do something, Erk!!!" Erk only responded by rolling his eyes.

"Don't panick! I'll exorcize the demons out of them! I'm a professional Monk, so DO NOT try this at home--" Exclaimed Lucius, right before he was knocked out cold by a fish that Pent was wielding.

"Ha ha hah!!!"

"Follow us!" Jordan beckoned, frolicking off like a.... um, well, herself.

Everyone, figuring that it wouldn't do any harm, decided to follow Pent and Jordan, even IF their sanity was questionable.

They entered the Ballroom to see it full of gifts!

"WOW!!!" Everyone exclaimed, their jaws dropping to the floor, "OW!" They all cried afterward, rubbing their aching jaws.

"ONWARD!!!" Pent shouted, sending his steed into gallop like he were charging into battle.

But it was early, so they didn't really share Pent's enthusiasm, and ambled over to their individual piles of gifts. Of course, the whole gift thing had the intellectuals (Go ahead and choose them, I don't really care.) thinking back to a week or so ago, where Jordan went around, taking some random poll, "If on the off-chance that some holiday that you don't know about just so happened to roll around, what would you ask for?"

'So THAT'S why she did it!' They thought, 'Oh, yeah. It's all coming together.'

When Jordan took her poll, there were plenty of people that actually asked for gifts, but the majority were either "Oh, I don't know!" or something stupid and/or impossible, like Kent's wish; "If Eunice and Hannah would just DIE and leave me alone, that'd be a REAL gift."

Pfft! Yeah, like THAT'LL happen.

"Alright everyone! Open your gifts!" Jordan declared.

Everyone eagerly jumped in, and the loud rustling of gift wrap shattered the former silence. Normally, this would be music to one's ears, but since so many people had answered as explained earlier, there were a lot of "Generic" gifts.

"Al Gore's Greatest Rap Singles?!" Guy exclaimed with puzzlement in its purest form, "Who the heck is that?!"

"Socks," Erk said more than asked, "with hamsters, and fruit that looks like hamsters."

"Felix the Cat cufflinks?" Rebecca questioned as if a GREAT injustice had been done.

All the rest of the generic gifts were along these lines.

But, for the recipients of the generic gifts, things would not be a TOTAL loss. At least everyone would be receiving a miniature chocolate champagne bottle, a miniature chocolate soccer ball, a large novelty chocolate coin, and a tiny little bottle of so-so smelling perfume or cologne.

The moral of the story: Crappy gifts are what you get for complacency or non-materialistic desires. Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!!

Meanwhile, the people who asked for gifts got exactly what they wished for.

"Oh, wow!! Psychology for Dummies!!!" Canas exclaimed, immediately flipping it open to read its enriching psychologic goodness.

"Yes! A first aid kit for when I nearly punch my hands to bloody stumps every time I hear a big word! Like the one I heard a few seconds ago!" Bartre said, and then left to go punch some rocks til the word "Psychology" stopped boring a hole through his brain.

All the others around her were unwrapping their presents, totally overjoyed (depending on who you were)with what they received. But Serra stood there, confused. Obviously, she'd never seen an Oompa Loompa before.

"Jordan!" She demanded, "What is the meaning of this?!"

"Of what?"

"Those THINGS!" She pointed an angry finger at the three Oompa Loompas, who cowered in fear, "I thought I asked for VASSALS!!"

"Yeah. And there they are. So what?"

She sighed, "I wanted people!"

"Well, you never SPECIFIED..."

"Of course!" Serra said, sounding very frustrated, "YOU are probably the ONLY person on this continent that requires a specification on the race when ordering vassals!"

Jordan chuckled, "Yeah, that's probably true!"

"Well?"

"'Well?' what?"

Serra glared at Jordan, then at the Oompa Loompas, then at her again.

Jordan's lower lip trembled, "You don't want them?" She asked as she went to kneel down amongst the Oompa Loompas.

Serra continued to give her that ice cold glare.

"They even got all dressed up, you know, with the bows on their heads and all....."

"I don't care! I want HUMAN vassals, not Oompa something-or-others!!"

"Are you sure you don't want them?" Jordan asked, "Because you won't be getting a replacement gift,"

Serra paused for a moment to really think this over. Did she really want to blow her chance at FINALLY getting vassals? Even IF they were little orange men with green hair?

And then the Oompa Loompas began to sing the traditional Oompa Loompa song.

"Oom-pa Loom-pa, doompa-dee doo,

If Serr-a's our mas-ter we'll probably die soon!

Oom-pa Loom-pa, doompa-dee dah,

Since we are wise we'll run a-way far!-"

"UGGH!!" Serra turned away in disgust, "I'm POSITIVE I don't want them!!"

The Oompa Loompas continued, letting high-voiced Oompa Loompa number two sing his solo,

"What do you get when you're slaves with-out work?

Sold and then giv-en to some pink-haired jerk!-"

"ENOUGH!!!" Serra screeched, sending the frightened Oompa Loompas diving for cover behind Jordan.

"Fine, I'll find a home for them where someone will love them for who they are." Jordan said in that "After school special" tone, taking her leave with the three little Oompa Loompas trailing behind.

MEANWHILE!!!!! (I bet you were hoping I'd go the whole chapter without using one of these! But you were wrong!! Ha ha ha ha!!)

Eliwood jumped up and down with joy, "YAAAY!!!! Lookee what I got, Hector!!"

"Huh?"

"I GOT A PONY!!!!"

Hector scowled. Eliwood DID get a pony. Actually, it was this crazy looking, surly, white horse with a blue mane and tail.

"And look at what else I got!" He said, holding up a book, "Lance Wielding for Dummies!!" (Have I thoroughly over-played this joke, or what?!)

Hector just snorted and went back to his gifts. GENERIC gifts. Sure, he was bitter, but it really WAS his fault for simply replying with, "What kind of a stupid question is that?!" And then wandering off. But he couldn't let Eliwood get away with answering honestly AND getting better presents than him.

"Well, look what I got!" Hector countered, "I got a motion-activated singing fish on a plaque that I can hang on my wall! Beat THAT!!!!" Hector finishedblowing abig, fat raspberry.

"Geez, Hector," Matthew said, "that was harsh."

Matthew answered Jordan's question with "Leila" and ended up with generic gifts, too. He was playing with his piece of crap metal slinky the moment.

"I GOT GOLD!" Farina cried, stroking both of her large,novelty chocolatecoins. When she answered Jordan's question, well actually, she didn't answer Jordan's question. She just waved her off and told her to go home. So all she got was an additional chocolate coin.

"EEEEEE!!!" Lyn screamed, "Look what I got!!" She glomped her present, "I got Rath!!"

It was easy to tell that Rath wasn't too thrilled about being turned into somebody's gift.

"Hey!" Kent said, "How come Lyn got Rath for her gift," He seemed to get slightly madder at the previous phrase, "But I couldn't get MY wishes granted?!"

"Yeah! And mine, too!" Matthew agreed.

"Listen! She simply asked for Rath. Not for me to RAISE the dead, OR play the hitman, she just asked for Rath!" Jordan said angrily, "Now, if you don't mind, I've got to find a home for these poor Oompa Loompas!"

MEANWHILE!!!!!

"Isn't it nice to have a day off from the author playing God and screwing with our destinies?" Nino asked with a contented sigh.

"¡¡¡Oye!!! ¡Piensas que eres el Campeón ¿verdad?!" Pent said/declared to Raven.

"What?" Raven asked, looking around, "Are you talking to me?"

"¡¡¡En el nombre del Rey de España, te mataré!!!" Pent got a crazy look in his eye, and spurred his steed onward.

"OH CRAP!!!" Raven screamed, eyes going wide, "HE'S GOT A FISH TOO!!!"

"¡¡¡MUERRRRTEEEEE!!!"

Raven ran for his life with Pent at his heels.

"Actually," Erk began, "I'd consider what she did to Pent screwing with destiny,"

"Yeah, but you've gotta admit," Legault said, "The man's a pretty mean contender when he's got a fish handy,"

There were various nods and murmurs of agreement amongst the entire group.

Jordan re-entered the room, with the Oompa Loompas still in tow. Shouldn't she have gotten rid of them by now?

"Now, it's time for the Rosco! But first, I have an announcement to make!" Jordan said, waiting for every one's FULL attention.

When she was sure she had it, she began, "Since I couldn't find a proper, loving home for the Oompa Loompas, I decided to adopt them!" Everyone in Eliwood's army of mercenaries exchanged uncertain glances. If they THOUGHT she was crazy before, all of their suspicions were about to be confirmed, "And they've also become my newest apprentices-" Apprentices? Apprentices of what? What was her job again? Uh oh....

"-of strategy! This one is Bubby," One Oompa Loompa stepped foreward and waved happily, "This one is Kip," A second one stepped foreward, but didn't really do anything but shoot nasty glares at everyone, "And this is Rodrigo!" The third and final Oompa Loompa stepped foreward and did a gentlemanly bow.

"I have other business to attend to, so I'll have Pent take over." She said, leaving with her Oompa Loompas trailing behind her like ducklings.

Pent entered, bringing out a large, donut shaped cake, that looked suspiciously like fruitcake.

"Oh, great," Hector said, "I've needed a new doorstop for ages."

"Now everyone take a piece!" Pent commanded, suddenly snapping out of his Spanish funk.

Everyone reluctantly took a piece and began to eat it.

"Wow!" Marcus said, "This pastry isn't all that bad!!"

Pent glared at Marcus, "You expected otherwise?"

"Well," Marcus started, but suddenly met the stern gaze of Pent, "Er, no."

Everyone was a little frightened of Pent ever since he got his hands on that fish. All they knew was that Raven never came back after his little run-in with the Magic General.

"Umm, Lord Pent, I found something in mine..." Rebecca said, holding out a little figurine.

"Excuse me? Were you talking to me?"

Louise rolled her eyes and whispered something into Rebecca's ear.

"Oh, Pent Quixote de la Mancha," Rebecca began.

"Ah! Why didn't you just say so, lassie?! Get it, Louicita!"

Louise sighed, took the figurine, and gave it to Pent.

"Thankies!" He said, and then turning his attention to the figurine, "Ah, it appears that our friend Rebecca found the Little King!"

"Yay! What do I get?"

"The satisfaction of making a certain Oompa Loompa VERY happy!" Pent replied cheerfully, handing the Little King to Bubby, who beamed with happiness. Even though Bubby DID leave with Jordan earlier.

"That wasn't nearly as satisfying as I imagined..." Rebecca frowned.

"Hey!" A vaguely familiar voice shouted out.

"What?" Pent asked, "Who goes there?!"

Great grandpa Gordon (twice removed) was jumping around anxiously, waving his hand around, "I found something else!!"

Pent sighed, "I gave you cake?" He shrugged it off, "Oh, well. Go get it, Louicita,"

"Pent!" Louise began with both of her hands balled up into fists, "Snap out of it already!"

"Out of what?"

"That's IT!!" Louise said, turning on her heel, "I'm not putting up with this crap anymore!! If you want me, I'll be upstairs!!!"

"Hmm. It seems that my little compadre Louicita is upset with me." Pent said, completely unaware of the fact that his marriage was at stake, "Nonetheless, duty calls!"

So he galloped over, knocked Great grandpa Gordon (twice removed) upside the head with his fish, and snatched the figurine right out of the air.

"Gordon has found the Witch of Christmas!"

"Lemme see that!" Hector said, snatching the witch from Jordan. Upon closer examination, it became apparent that it wasn't a witch, but in fact,Daffy Duck with a brown, rather oblong shaped Basketball.

"Pent, just out of respect for your umm..." Hector hesitated. He'd heard about what happened to Raven after he accidentally got in Pent's way, "Erm, I'll spell it out for you. This is Daffy duck. Playing BASKETBALL."

Pent just sat there, smiling.

"... Please don't kill me."

"Nah," Pent said grabbing the Witch, "I can't blame you for your ignorance!"

"Dude, that SO isn't a witch."

"LIKE I SAID, what's-his-bucket found the Witch." Pent repeated, with fish drawn.

Hector noticed and sat back down.

"Hey!! I've got a question!" An anonymous voice yelled out, "Why do all the generic gifts SUCK?!"

"The Three Kings did their shopping at the All-a-Dollar!"

Nobody said anything. Then they decided to go to sleep, everything having ended on a somewhat bitter-sweet note. The vast majority was rather unhappy with their gifts, while the minority was very content.

The next day, everything would resume as if nothing had happened.

A/N: That was a REALLY hard chapter to write! Wow. I kept having myself doing WAY too much! By the way, if you think I'm doing too much, be sure to tell me, cause I know how obnoxious it can be when there's too much self-insertion! To be honest, I wasn't even planning on adopting any Oompa Loompas... (sweatdrop) Way to go and complicate the plotline for yourself, Jordan!

Reader responses next chappie! This one was kinda dumb, so I'll try to post the next chappie soon!!


	10. Ch9: Grandpa

A/N: Many, many thanks to all those who have reviewed! Your reviews are like music to my ears... Or a really pretty picture to my eyes. Whatever works.

This update took a little longer because of that stupid holiday special chapter, (Although the lucky devils here celebrate both Santa and the Three Kings! They get twice as many presents!) But I didn't write it out beforehand, and attempted the spur of the moment, type'er up on the computer thing, so I got stuck for a while. Woo hoo!

On with the show!

Ch.9: "Grandpa" 

Vaida, Isadora, Legault, Harken, and Karla were all hanging out in the castle livingroom watching Jaffar play "Parappa the Rapper."

Isadora had her hands cupped over her ears, attempting to block out Parappa's horrific rapping.

"Jaffar, is there ANY other game you could play?!" She asked through clenched teeth, "This game sucks!"

". . ." Jaffar replied.

"I'm gonna FREAK if you don't play something else!"

". . ." He retorted.

"Will somebody PLEASE go get Nino?" Isadora pleaded.

Everyone was feeling kinda lazy, so nobody in particular volunteered. After a minute or two Harken noticed Isadora's desperation, and decided it was his job to pick who should go get Nino.

"Hey, Karla. Go get Nino."

Karla looked at him, and replied with a look that said, "Yeah, fat chance."

"Hey, Karla. Go get Nino." Harken repeated.

"No."

"Come on."

"No."

"It's not like you're really friends with anyone here."

"No."

"Help us out."

Karla sighed, "If I wanted to leave, I wouldn't be doing it to help you. I'd rather find my brother." She replied dryly.

POOF! "Be careful what you wish for, for it may just come true!"

"Karel!"

"Oh. Hey there." Karel said, "Talk about awkward..."

"What are you doing popping in on people like that?!" Karla asked, putting her hands on her hips.

"Er..."

"Is this what you've been doing the entire time you've been gone?!"

"Um, no." Karel lied.

"You're lying to me! I can see it in your eyes!!"

"Hannah! I finally found him!" Eunice screamed over her shoulder.

"Crap. Gotta go." POOF!

"Shoot! He disappeared again!" Hannah growled.

"He's a lot trickier than Libby is, that's for sure!"

"My name's Lowen!!" Lowen cried out in the distance, "Is it REALLY that hard to remember?!"

Hanna and Eunice hobble/dashed out of the room in pursuit of their prey.

"Go get Nino, Karla."

Deciding that there would be no end to their begging, Karla left grumbling in search of Nino.

". . ." Jaffar said.

"Hm? What'd you say, Jaffar?" Harken asked.

Jaffar just shook his head and continued rapping with his beloved Parappa.

Nobody really knew what to say after that.

After a space of silence, Vaida spoke, "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if we had a gang?"

Everybody was caught a little off guard.

"What? A gang?" Isadora asked.

"Yeah."

"And who would we put in this said 'gang'?" Harken asked counting his fingers, "Guys, I think I have eleven fingers!"

"No you don't. You just counted the right pinky finger twice like you always do." Isadora pointed out.

"Oh, yeah."

"We'd put ourselves in it, moron!"

Legault folded his arms thoughtfully, "What would our gang do?"

Vaida shrugged her shoulders, "I don't know. Paint our gang name everywhere, talk like we were raised in the ghettos, bust a cap once in a while. That sort of thing."

Confused silence. There were about two or three words in that sentence that they'd never heard before in their entire lives.

"I don't think I understand...." Harken said.

"That's just because you're an idiot, Harken."

"Isadora!! She just called me an idiot!!!" Harken wailed as he began to recount his angsty past and stuff.

"Great, Vaida! Look what you've done!! Now it'll be hours before he stops!!!" Isadora scolded.

"Whatever, " Vaida scoffed, "he's all peel and no orange."

Everyone stopped what they were doing, and slowly turned their heads to stare at her.

"What?" Legault began to laugh, "Was that supposed to be witty?!"

"Er, no!"

He began to laugh harder, "Then why'd you say it?!"

"Shut up! That's why!!" She snapped back.

Then, Karla walked in, "Nino can't come because she's at a tea party."

"Hey Karla, wanna join our gang?" Vaida asked.

"Are we going to do stuff like paint our gang name everywhere, talk like we were raised in the ghettos, and bust a cap every once in a while?"

"You know it!"

"Count me in!" Karla said, giving Vaida a totally ghetto high-five.

"And what about the rest of you?" Vaida turned to face the group, "Are you all in or what?"

Everyone shrugged their shoulders, nodded and said, "Yeah, okay."

Suddenly, Renault entered without saying a word. Everybody glared daggers at him.

"Get out, Renault." Hearken said, pointing to the door.

Renault hung his head and left, where he exploded and probably died.

"Grandpa." Jaffar ACTUALLY said!

"What?" Legault asked, "Were you talking?!"

"I said Grandpa." Jaffar ACTUALLY said again!

"Grandpa? Grandpa what?" Harken asked, "Don't tell me that you and Renault are related!!"

"No. Grandpa for the name of our gang."

"...Oh" They all replied. Of course, the situation had turned quite ugly. Now, there were two choices.

They could laugh and tell him how stupid it was, but then he'd probably kill them. Or they could accept it, let someone else tell him how stupid it sounded, then he'd kill that person, and them later for not telling him that it was stupid. Considering this was one of the only things Jaffar'd felt strongly about since the discovery of Nino, that only made things more difficult.

"Ok. Grandpa it is, then." Vaida said. It's always better to delay inevitable doom.

This would have been one of those moments for Jaffar where he'd be beaming with happiness and contentment were he not the nearly emotionless blob he is.

"So, what do we do now that our gang's established?" Isadora asked, because she literally hasn't said anything for nearly a page now.

"I dunno. Let's hang out here for a while til we think of something." Vaida said.

"Ok." Everyone agreed, and resumed whatever they were doing before the gang thing started.

A/N: That was a really short chappie! This was inspired by some Grafiti I saw somewhere when I was walking to church. I was so confused by it! "Foot Fetish" it read. And I thought, "Have they ANY idea of what they've written?! Do they even know enough English to know the meaning of the word 'fetish?'" So I decided that if a gang name like that sounded tough or forshizzle or whatever, that Grandpa would be equally forshizzle, if not MORE than any Foot Fetish!! Stupid, I know, But it made me laugh like an idiot!

Hey, be sure to tell me if I take any jokes or whatever too far, use them way too much, begin to get repetitive, etc, etc. I really don't want to get obnoxious!

Now, Reader thingies!

**Guardian Arrow:** He he he... Circus Ducks came from my brother! I found it hilarious!

**Queen of the Insects: **The biggest yay for me? Nah, I think it has to go to Great grandpa Gordon for putting up (kinda) with all the crap I put him through! I did a lot to him in my other fic! Ha ha ha ha!!

Roy's going to be in the next FE game, and Marth's in like, the first FE ever. Or something like that...

**Nightmare: **I'm so glad that you all find my idiocy hilarious! If you just thought I was well, an idiot, then I probably wouldn't hold it against you. I AM an idiot. This entire story is a great example.

Don't worry, Hector'll get what's coming. I really don't hate him, though. Despite the harassment I put him through...

The music? Punk music from one of the best bands ever! Reel Big Fish, baby! I'm going to start the art school on monday! Yaay!!! Wish me luck, everyone!!!

Don't worry about the review streak thingy! Have fun with whatever you're doing!!

**Lemurian 04:** Karel has plenty to do, and I think that his moment to shine is rapidly approaching, unless I have more to put in between... Don't you love how I'm dragging the Karel thing out as long as I can?! Actually, I'm not really, it just keeps happening!

**Neonn: **You bad person! You're breaking the law! Ha ha ha! I think I'm funny!

The Oompa Loompas were unemployed! And you don't give presents to presents, silly! Although, maybe they would've enjoyed Al Gore's Greatest Rap Singles more than Guy did...

I coulda SWORN that at one point she started using the term Silly Moo fluently... Oh well!

School's gonna be peachy, cause I'm putting my paper thingies in friday and FINALLY picking my classes!! YAY!!!

**Katelynn:** I guess I'll forgive you... Just kidding! I could never stay mad (Not that I ever was before...)at anyone who reviewed my story at least once! WOAH. Did you REALLY cry?!

**Wolf McCloud-123:** You liked how Heath turned out? Like, losing his Mullet-y glory and all? Yeah, I liked that too!

Thanks for the Barbecue idea! That actually saved my butt for chapter 10!! Thank you!

**Lack Thereof:** I admire your dedication!! You're making me so happy! And you like Eunice, too! Yay!

I could use Sonia later! Man, I need to compile a list of characters I haven't used yet! I'm starting to get confused! Does anybody want to make a donation of one or two of the generic Bad-guy names? I'm gonna need them later! And what's that one morph's name, you know, the one that's like a broken record? It's like D something... Crap, I've been racking my brains for days trying to figure it out!!

As usual, thank you all for your reviews, and remember that er, I... um, love you?

Yeah, shut up, Jordan.


	11. Ch10: Teacrashing!

A/N: This is the THIRD time that I've had to type this chapter up!!! First time, the computer got a virus (which Marty's blaming on me, of course,) and the second time is because he deleted my folder. You have no IDEA how much I hate him now. Now he's totally got it out for me, too!! I can't wait until I don't have to share a computer with him anymore! It makes him so thoroughly grumpy!! I mean, come on. He's holding a grudge over his lame, piece-of-crap computer! I could just as easily let the whole thing go, but Moron here refuses to!!!!

Sorry, I'll quit ranting.

There won't be any Reader Response thingies for a while until I get more time on the computer to type them all up. Marty hardly ever lets me onto the computer anymore. But just remember that I love you all and that your reviews DO matter!! I really do love to hear what you all think of my story!!!

Enjoy the chappie!

**Ch. 10: Teacrashing**

"OUTTA MY WAY!!" Hector screamed, pushing the Pegasus Sisters aside, throwing the front gates open, and dashing into the castle courtyard.

"Hector! I keep telling you, stop, drop and roll! Stop, drop and roll!! All your running is feeding the flame!!!" Eliwood yelled, running through the gate shortly after.

"AUGGH!!" Hector cried, suddenly deciding that frantically running around in circles was a good option, "Why isn't there a fountain anywhere!?"

MEANWHILE!!!!!

Lyn was hanging up laundry from her window in the castle tower, singing some weirdo Sacaen tune that nobody knows.

"It's so nice to have these laundry lines installed outside my window!" Lyn thought happily, "I don't even have to leave my room to hang up my laundry!!"

She reached into her Bucket 'O' Laundry and ended up pulling out a turquoise green shirt.

" 'I've got a **fever** and the only prescription is MORE COWBELL!'" Lyn read to herself out loud, "Who in the world does this belong to?"

She examined the cowbell picture and sentence for a minute or so, shrugged her shoulders, and decided to hang it up anyway.

She put the shirt on the line and reached over to the clothespin bag. After fumbling around for a second, she couldn't find any.

"I guess I'm out." She said, "I'll just go downstairs and ask for more."

Then Lyn left in search of clothespins, foolishly leaving the cowbell shirt on the line. UNANCHORED.

A moment later, the wind happened to pick up and carry off the line, sending it soaring gracefully over Caelin's courtyards.

MEANWHILE!!!!!

Hector was still running around in circles, while Eliwood was standing in middle, attempting to reason with him.

Resting from putting his über-forshizzle negotiation powers to work, Eliwood looked at the sky for a moment. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed none other than the cowbell shirt itself, playing on the breeze like a carefree child. Eliwood first wondered what turquoise dot could possibly be, and then disregarded it for a few minutes until it became painfully evident that Hector and the shirt were on a collision course.

"HECTOR!!! LOOK OUT!!!!"

"Huh?" Said Hector, right before the wet cowbell shirt smacked him and clung to his face, sending him careening off course right into certain doom.

"Wow," Eliwood said, "This is looking pretty ugly."

Hector, not knowing that he was running off course and into his grave, stuggled with the shirt's suction grip on his face. He FINALLY pried it off his face and held it out in front of him to see the identity of his assailant.

" 'I've got a **fever** and the only prescription is MORE COWBELL!' What in the devil does that mean?!"

"By Elimne!" Pent exclaimed, "That gentleman on fire is holding a shirt in front of him! He must be planning something devious!!"

"I think that's Lord Hector, dear." Louise pointed out, "And what does the shirt have to do with ANYTHING devious?"

"HALT! What business have ye here?!" Pent hollered.

"Pent! Get out of the way!! He's not stopping!!!" Erk yelled, attempting to hop away from the party, but fell over in the process—"Crap." – RIGHT in Hector's way, "OH CRAP!!!"

Hector threw the shirt over his shoulder, finally noticing he was about to destroy Serra's tea party. But he'd already tripped over Erk, adding the last component to demolishing a pleasant afternoon, "Oops!"

Hector soared foreward with the velocity of a speeding bullet, with the destroying capability of a wreckingball. He completely leveled the entire tea party as if it were nothing but a house of cards. Though, luckily enough, everyone got out of the way, Erk wasn't so fortunate. He hadn't moved or breathed since Hector booted him in the stomach a few seconds ago.

"Ohh..." Hector moaned, sitting up on the pile of debris he created, "My head REALLY hurts."

He paused for a moment, "Wait a sec, I'M STILL ON FIRE!!"

"Don't worry Milord!" Matthew piped up, hopping out of a teacup that miraculously survived holding a teapot that ALSO miraculously survived, "I'll save you!!"

"Thanks..." Hector said with relief, "OW! THE TEA'S SCALDING ME!!!" He bellowed.

"Sorry young master! But the fire's out!!" Matthew chirped, "Let me help you up! Here, lean on my shoulder!"

"You sure I won't smash you or something?"

"Oh, yes young master! I'm very capable! ... As long as you don't want a piggyback ride!"

"I wouldn't dream of it." Replied Hector.

Leaning on Matthew's shoulder, Hector began to walk away from the destruction, when suddenly,

"Lord Hector, what do you have to say for yourself?" Serra said. The calm in her voice was terrifying.

Their spines stiffened and their hair stood on end.

"Well?" She asked.

"Erm..." Hector attempted to start, but he was frozen from fear.

"Hector!! Take my hand!!!" Eliwood called out, riding in from the east on his crazy little horse.

Eliwood grabbed Hector's arm as he passed, swung him onto the back of the horse, and rode off into the distance like a madman.

"Great. He left me again." Matthew said to nobody in particular. He shrugged his shoulders and decided to disappear with that KUH-RAZY cool poofy-thiefy thing that only thieves seem to do.

Serra began to laugh to herself crazily and shake, ready to have a total meltdown.

"I think we'd better leave her alone for a bit..." Nino whispered to everyone, who agreed and slipped out unnoticed.

Erk finally took a breath and looked around, "Ouch. It hurts to breathe. Hey, what happened to everybody?"

". . ."

"Serra? Are you alright?"

Serra fell to her knees, started screeching like a banshee and grabbed her pigtails, yanking as hard as she could like she wanted to tear her head in two.

MEANWHILE!!!!!

Kent was soundly sleeping. But then Sain entered and shattered the peace as if his very presence commanded it.

Sain, of course, threw the door open, "Kent!! I've got a BIG problem!!!"

Kent, being completely blinded by the light, nearly fell out of bed, "Auggh, Sain! Shut the door! The light's blinding me!!"

Sain raised an eyebrow, "Won't it be a little awkward for us, two GUYS, to be sitting here, talking in a dark room alone together?"

"Whatever, I didn't think of that." Kent said, rubbing his eyes, "Now what do you want?"

"Is that any tone to take with your Boon Companion?!" Sain gasped, clutching his chest in TOTAL shock.

Kent sighed, "Sorry, I suppose that was a little rude. So what's the problem?"

Out of the blue, a horse whinnied in the hall.

"You brought your horse?!" Kent exclaimed.

"He wanted to come see if you were feeling better!" Sain lowered his voice to a whisper and leaned in a little, "He'd heard from Katrina-Bo that you'd gone a little crazy."

Juanito entered and stood next to Kent's bed.

"Sain! You can't have a horse in the castle!!"

"I couldn't leave him outside all by his lonesome!" Whined Sain.

"Why not?"

"Things're getting dangerous!"

This piqued Kent's interest, "What happened?"

"The Pegasus Sisters and Serra are on the warpath!"

"Really?"

"Oh, yes. Lord Hector pushed the Pegasus Sisters over and completely demolished Serra's tea party trying to put his cloak out!"

Kent began to panic, "Did all this happen while I was sleeping?!"

"I think so. What time did you finally get to sleep?"

"I KNEW I couldn't leave the watch to those feather-brained Pegasus Knights!! Everything was under control while I was on watch, and the second I hand it over to them, everything goes to Hell in a handbasket!!!"

Kent flopped backwards onto the bed.

"I wouldn't consider severe sleep deprivation and battling with flowerbeds 'Under Control.'" Sain pointed out.

Kent put his hand on his stomach and furrowed his brow a little, "I think I'm getting an ulcer..."

"Um, before this 'ulcer' of yours eats you alive or something, can we solve my problem?" Asked Sain.

"Oh, right." Kent replied, sitting back up.

"Hold on," Sain said, turning to Principe Juanito, "Could you step outside while Kent and I talk for a little?"

He snorted and shook his head rigorously, nearly hitting Kent on accident.

"Please?"

Juanito fixed a steady gaze on Sain.

"I'll give you a nice, juicy apple."

His gaze remained fixed.

"I'll give you two!"

He still didn't move.

"Fine! I'll give you three, but I'm not going any higher than that!!"

El Principe Juanito rolled his eyes and took his leave.

"Geez, he's a tough negotiator... The little bandit..."

". . ."

"Anyway, I need more ideas for the party!"

"Ideas like what?"

"Er, well, for the entire party."

". . ."

"... I've already made the invitations." Sain said like this was some sort of accomplishment.

"That's good,"

"Now I just need things like games to play, food, where to have it, decorations, etc, etc."

"Oh, is that all?" Kent asked sarcastically.

"Yup, I think that's it!"

"Let's see..." Kent scratched his head, "How much effort are you willing to put into this?"

Sain thought for just a split second.

"Very little."

"Ok, so how about something easy like... Like a barbecue maybe?"

Sain's face lit up, "OF COURSE!!! Why didn't I think of that?!"

"Glad I could help."

Sain wasn't really listening to Kent, but rather, was scolding himself for not coming up with the idea himself.

"Hmph. You're WELCOME." Kent said, doing that irritating 'subliminal-reminding' thing. Then, deciding that it didn't really matter either way, he laid down and went back to sleep.

MEANWHILE!!!!!

Canas was reading in his peaceful, cozy reading nook in Castle Caelin's cellar, smushed right over there in the corner.

"Psychology is SO fascinating!" Canas exclaimed in his snuggly corner that he magically placed a La-Z-Boy recliner into.

He adjusted his monocle, "So many problems in our world nowadays would be so easily solved if people simply knew how the Human mind worked!"

A loud, very destructive sounding explosion erupted from the upstairs, then somebody began to laugh maniacally, and two aged voices yelling afterwards (Which were MOST LIKELY Hannah and Eunice,) with Serra's incessant shrieking having been the background noise for the past 15 minutes or so.

Canas shook his head, "Poor Erk. It's too bad that we all forgot him there with Serra. By now, he's probably either deaf or completely insane..."

If only there were something he could do...

He snapped his book shut with one hand, having already finished 2025 pages of reading in one sitting. Yup, he's THAT good. He got up, went to the cellar door, opened it very carefully and peered into the hallway to be sure there wasn't anything dangerous lurking out there, and then confirming it was safe, he ventured to the kitchen for a snack.

A/N: That was a really long chappie! Hope you liked it! I'll come out with the next chapter as soon as I can, ok?

Remember to review!!


	12. Ch11:EEEEVILLL!

A/N: I'm baaaaaack! Yes, contrary to popular belief, I am NOT dead, but have only been extremely lazy and yeah. I was waiting for my writing notebook to arrive because I sent it home from Spain, but after 2 months, I've come to the conclsion that it may not come. I am so disappointed in myself. And I'm gonna have to recall all the crap I wrote from memory or make it all up AGAIN...(SOB!)

Thankies to everybody! I LURVE YOU!

By the way, ten bucks to anybody who can tell me where the cowbell quote is from.

And, has anyone out there played Advance Wars? I kinda like that game, and I was considering writing a fic about it, but I wasn't sure if anybody'd read it. Ah, I'm getting sidetracked!

Don't forget to review! It's lucky! Aaaand I'll be lovingly devoted to you forever and ever! YAY!

**Ch.11: EEVIILLL!  
**

After an undisclosed amount of time, our good friend Nergal returned from the bathroom all sparkly and pretty with his turban very nicely centered on his head. Why he suddenly became ambiguously effeminite, we'll never know.

"Now!" Nergal began, importantly pointing his finger in the air at nothing in particular, shooting a small amount of sparkly dust into space. "Let us commence the installation!"

"I'm sorry milord, but we're having some difficulties over here." Limstella replied, wrestling with the sheath.

"Ouch! Stop that, you're twisting my ankle!" Ephidel whined.

Nergal sighed. "How did you get him in there in the first place?"

The morphs both paused for a moment, thinking hard.

"That's a good question." Limstella said.

Nergal APPARENTLY wasn't listening because he was admiring his fantastic turban placing job in a compact he recently decided to carry with him wherever he went. He finished making a kissie face at his dead-sexy reflection and snapped the compact shut.

Both his morphs were staring at him open-mouthed.

"Oh. What were we talking about?"

"Erm, the installation." Replied Ephidel.

"Ah, yes!" Nergal exclaimed, squealing and jumping up and down like a giddy teenage girl. "EEEE! Let's get started now!"

"I'd like to get Ephidel out of this first, Lord Nergal." Limstella said.

Nergal let out an exasperated sigh and folded his arms across his chest. Then THE ETERNAL STRUGGLE between Limstella, the Sword sheath, and Ephidel recommenced and a short silence dominated.

A FEW MINUTES LATER!

. . .Nergal lost his patience.

"Come ON!" He huffed."Just pull him out already!"

"It's really not as easy as it looks pulling a full-grown man out of a sword sheath." Limstella growled as she wrestled valiantly against her foe.

"Technically he didn't GROW into a full-grown man, cause I MADE him." Nergal retorted, matter-of-factly. "Shows what you know."

Limstella and Ephidel stared at him again.

"Now, I command you to stop trying to withdraw him."

"But, Lord Nergal,"

"No buts, young lady!" Nergal scolded. "Besides, he isn't ESSENTIAL because he's shtupid."

"Hey! It's not like I was TRYING to be put in here!" Ephidel defended. "Did you call me 'shtupid?'"

Ignoring Ephidel, he continued barking out orders like there were more than two people to order around.

"Ephidel, shut up! Limstella, install! Chop, chop!"

A COUPLE FEET FROM WHERE THEY WERE BEFORE!

They began the extensive process of installing Nergal's VCR/Lover.

"What's this?" Nergal asked, pulling on the electrical cord. "A tail? Dear, you never told me you had a tail..." he said to the VCR putting the cord down like he was TOTALLY turned off.

"How do we install this if we aren't even really sure as to what it is?" Limstella asked. "And are you talking to it?"

"Shut up."

". . ."

Nergal's face suddenly brightened. " I know what we should do! Ephidel, call the helper-man from WalMart!"

"Umm, about that... I'm still kinda stuck here."

"Oh, so you are. Fine then, I'll do it myself, you big butthead!" Nergal snorted, turning on his heel and heading through a dark and shadowy doorway.

THUD! "—OWWW! Dam-" Goodness gracious! Nergal almost said a swear! "Who painted the doors black?"

"You ordered Ephidel and I to do it three weeks ago." Limstella replied.

"Well, I demand that you repaint them a different color!"

"But Milord, the only other color we have is dark navy so-dark-it's-almost-black blue."

"So be it! Just paint the stupid doors!" Nergal snapped, throwing the doors open and marching off muttering angrily to himself like a PMS-y teenage girl.

Ephidel and Limstella exchanged glances, grabbed paint and brushes out of thin air, and set to work.

TWO WEEKS LATER!

Limstella and Ephidel had finished and began painting a mural with the black and dark navy so-dark-it's-almost-black blue.

"Look at my pretty fairy, Limstella! It's fluttering around in a field of posies!" Ephidel boasted, painting AND narrating his picture despite the fact that he was in the sword sheath and the two colors looked almost exactly the same. "What're YOU painting?"

"My own glorious death defending the Dragon's gate, accurately deatailed even though I shouldn't even know about it yet." She replied.

"... Oh..."

"Please wait, blah, blah, blah! An operator will be with you momentarily, blah, blah, blah!" Nergal angrily mumbled under his breath, though loudly enough that everyone could hear him. "LIES! ALL OF IT!"

THUD! "—OW! Freak! Didn't I already order you two to repaint these doors!"

Limstella and Ephidel exchanged glances uneasily.

"WELL?"

"But, we did, Lord Nergal. We painted them the color you ordered."

Nergal rolled his eyes. "And what color was that?"

"Dark navy so-dark-it's-almost-black blue."

"Whatever. The helper man from WalMart ought to be here momentarily. At least according to that lying operator wench." He shook a fist at the operator woman who probably didn't see it anyway.

"You're really bitter about that, aren't you?" Ephidel asked.

THUD!

A woman's voice shouting expletives of every size, shape, and color erupted from the other side of the door, then Sonia entered rubbing a huge goose egg on her forehead.

"SONIA!" Everyone exclaimed.

"Alright! I'm going to KILL whoever painted all the doors black!" She bellowed.

"They aren't black." Limstella sighed. "They're just a really dark navy blue."

"Don't you sigh with exasperation at ME, a totally superior-in-every-way human, you abomination!" Sonia snapped back.

"Don't keep decieving yourself, Sonia." Nergal said dryly, buffing his nails on his shirt.

"What ARE you talking about? By the way, your turban looks really nice today, Lord Nergal."

"Thank you."

"Now what did you mean by 'decieving myself?'"

"Ah, yes." Nergal cleared his throat. "Have you ever noticed how you look a lot like Limstella and Ephidel here? I mean a LOT like them. Not kidding."

Sonia peered over at the two morphs, and then scratched her head thoughtfully.

"Uh, no," She replied, the point of Nergal's question flying straight over her head with a deafening SWOOOSH! "Since when have I ever looked like them?"

"Since you're a moron, I'll tell you plainly;" Nergal paused to build up suspense cause that's what all the coolest bad guys do when they're about to send somebody's world crashing down around their ears. "Sonia, you're a morph."

The camera zoomed in on her face, tilted to one side to be all dramatic and show her utter shock and astonishment."I-I-I'm not perfect?"

"Nah," Nergal said, so disconnected he ALMOST killed the drama. "You're still perfect."

She paused, looking up at him with hopeful emotional stability teetering on the verge of an emotional breakdown.

"- Just not human." He added like a light breeze finishing off a house of cards.

Then the sound effects made a glass shattering sound while the camera tilted sharply to another angle.

Though none of the others heard the sound effects or saw all of the kewl cinematograpy, the mood was intense.

Stifling tears, Sonia blindly ran for the door, inevitably running into it again and spouting out a string of eyebrow singeing swears. When she finished, she threw the doors open and ran away weeping loudly.

". . ." Limstella didn't say.

". . ." Nergal didn't say either.

". . . Geez, I didn't think she'd take it that hard." Ephidel stated.

MEANWHILE AT THE L.O.R.A. BREAKFAST NOOK OF JUSTICE!

"Alright everyone," Dorcas began in a very business-like voice. "Word has it that Nergal's got a new, impressive, high-tech device he's planning on using to take over the world."

Bartre raised his hand. "Hey, I've got a question."

"Yes, Bartre?"

"When did Puzon join us?"

"Yeargh, I be able to answer ya!" Dart volunteered. "He be Nils' new pet. Now he be living in a jar!" The idea of Puzon living in a jar entertained Dart so much. Simply thinking of it plastered a dumb smile all over his face.

"Hawkeye," Nils whined as he began shaking the jar rigorously. "Why isn't he moving?"

"Annoying child give food to blob?" Hawkeye suggested.

Nils' face drooped into a really strange looking face of confusion. "What does he eat?"

Geitz took the jar and held it somewhat philosophically as he was about to begin educating. "Well, you see, Lil' Nils, since he is a blob, naturally you'd have to FEED him something blob-like. Like a purée, for example."

Nils frowned, narrowed his eyes and snatched his jar back. "That still didn't answer my question!"

Geitz took the jar again.

"The only thing different about him is his physical state, so he probably eats the same stuff he used to eat." He replied, inexplicably deciding to open the jar and take a whiff of its contents.

He began to choke and gag. "Dear Elimne! That's DISGUSTING!"

Bartre rolled his eyes. "You didn't HAVE to smell him, stupid."

"What can I say," Geitz replied with a shrug. "Curiosity got the best of me."

Hawkeye gave him a very primitive glare."Curiosity smoosh kitty."

"ANYWAY," Dorcas said, "I think it's up to us to stop him."

"Stop who?" Dart asked.

"Nergal."

"Nergal?" Bartre laughed, placing his hands on his hips in a manly way. "What kind of threat could he POSSIBLY pose to us?"

"I'm not going to explain myself again!" Dorcas was already getting flustered. "If you didn't hear me the first time, then go back and read what I said!"

"I-" Bartre hung his head. "I can't read."

Dorcas sighed.

"No worry. Hawkeye read for you." Hawkeye said, pulling out his reading glasses. "'Nergal want take over over world with good dealy.'"

"... Good dealy?"

"Ooog..."

"Yeargh, I just thought of somethin! If Nils be with us and Puzon be with us, then we ain't the League 'o' Random Axefighters!"

Geitz sighed and rolled his eyes. "Puzon's a pet."

Dart's eyes narrowed. "And the lad?"

"He's a pet, too."

"SHUT UP!" Dorcas bellowed, sending everyone in the Breakfast nook clamoring underneath the table for cover.

"GET BACK IN YOUR SEATS!"

Then, just like someone pushed the rewind button on a remote, they all magically zipped right back into their seats.

Dorcas took a deep breath and was about to begin when he got cut off.

"Whaddya need, boy?" Dart snapped at Nils, who was yanking on his bandanna.

"I want sugar for my Rice Crispies."

Dart chuckled. "Ah, no ya don't. We 'member the last time you had sugar, don't we?"

"So?" Nils sighed. "Can't you people get over that already?"

". . . No." Everybody replied.

"Fine. I didn't want it to come to this, but. . ."

Everyone got kinda tense as they waited for Nils' drastic measure to commence.

"Dart! Gimme the sugar or I'll take it off!" He threatened threateningly.

"NOOOOO!" Bartre cried, covering his eyes. "Keep your clothes on for the love of everything holy!"

"Get head out of gutter 'fore me smash it." Hawkeye said, nose wrinkled in disgust.

"Yeah, that was gross and perverted, Bartre." Geitz agreed, nose also wrinkled in disgust.

"You know what I mean!" Nils barked back, tugging on the bandanna to give them a clue.

Everybody fell silent. But it wasn't a tense silence or anything, just a silence that's um... Silent.

Dart chuckled, folding his arms confidently. "Ya wouldn't do it, boy. I know yer a total chicken!"

"Oh, won't I?" Nils replied, a crazy smile spreading across his face. "I'm going to count to ten."

"Pshaw! As if, scurvy pup!"

Nils smiled an even crazier smile, "One..."

This time everyone was tense for real. Bartre was even breathing into a paper bag, he was so scared.

"Two..."

"CHICKEN!" Dart screeched, hoping to intimidate Nils out of revealing his secret.

This futlile attempt only made Nils forget how to count, skipping all the numbers in between and getting straight to the point. "TEN!"

The bandanna came off, revealing something so horrifying, so beyond description, that it could have been considered a sin against nature.

"There is no God!" Bartre weeped, burying his head in his hands.

While everyone's eyes were being soiled, Nils cackled ceremoniously, prancing about and victoriously feasting upon his sugarless Rice Crispies holding Puzon snugly in the crook of his arm. He made for quite the specimen. You know, the kind you could write a documentary about.

"DON'T LOOK AT ME! STOP STARING!" Wailed Dart, thrashing about so wildly he knocked his chair over and hit the ground."GIVE ME MY BANDANNA! AUGGGG! THE EMOTIONAL SCARRRRRRRRRING!"

Geitz mindlessly took the paper bag Bartre was breathing into and handed it to Dart. It was all steamy and rancid inside... It had been at least four days since Bartre last brushed his teeth. Freaknasty.

Things calmed down after Dart had punched some eye holes in it and put it on his head to conceal his atrocity.

"What happened here today never leaves this room, ye understand?"

Everybody was kinda stupified, so Dart took that as a 'Yes.'

Nils still wasn't satisfied with sugarless Rice Crispies. So after he had finished his victory dance, he went in search of his next victim. Dorcas had already given up at this point, so he curled up into the fetal position and gently rocked himself while he shed silent tears of frustration.

Hawkeye sat contentedly, thinking to himself how lucky he was to be one of the only ones thus far left relatively unscathed... That is, until Nils appeared behind him and tugged on his ponytail.

"You know what I want, primate."

Hawkeye grunted. "You pull Ponytail, Puzon die."

"You leave him out of this, fool!" Hissed Nils. He set Puzon down for a mere milisecond, and this is what happened. Hawkeye was holding his beloved pet hostage.

Hawkeye put on a primitvely reasonable face. "Let's make trade. Me give you Puzon, and You leave alone ponytail. Deal?"

After a short inner struggle Nils agreed. Then they exchanged Puzon for ponytail.

"Now go." Snorted Hawkeye.

Nils was always a poor loser, so he quickly snipped the elastic to exact his vengeance. This started a horrible chain reaction, and before they knew it, Hawkeye's muliticolored clown-fro had nearly filled the entire breakfast nook. Hawkeye sighed and slumped forward, suddenly deciding to hibernate. People should have been freaking out or something, but they were pretty pooped and were only able to struggle against the mass of hair threatening to envelop them.

"Gosh, Hawkeye! What're you doing?" Bartre whined. "Get your hair out of my face!"

"Well, I'll be..." Geitz said, never really finishing that thought.

Dart guffawed like a pirate at the rainbow of tresses before him. For some reason, he had always liked clowns.

Dorcas grabbed handfuls of hair, regardless of whether it was his own or not, and began to yank as hard as he could. "WHY ME? WHY!"

Bartre swam through the hair to deliver his reply. "Because you're so good, Dorcas!"

This optimism only made Dorcas begin sobbing.

All the while, Nils was once again prancing about ceremoniously feasting and giggling like the silly child he is, feeling all smug and superior in every way after watching the reactions of his co-workers, which weren't fantastic, but evidently sufficed. Yes, off he went cackling and prancing like a cock on a walk, with his precious Puzon resting securely in the crook of his arm... Or so he thought until the jar slipped and fell amidst his merrymaking. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The jar shattered with a sickening crash returning Puzon to his natural habitat.

Then, because the situation became awkward on account of the lack of vision and sympathy for Nils and Puzon, and because the author's older brother was nagging her telling her to get off the computer, the scene turned into a manga-sketch, but one of those ones on tv, so it wasn't quite the same. And the voices kept going because I want to frighten and confuse you. Besides that, it just has to be that way, no buts about it, friends.

A/N: There you have it! The much anticipated 11th chapter! The chapter that's taken me months to write! Yessiree, it's taken me about four or five months. How sad is that? Anyway, I think it turned out better than I thought, but I wouldn't expect updates anytime soon. I have to write everything from scratch, minus chapter 16. That's the only one I have...(sniff...)

Ok, so don't forget to review and shtuff! I love it when you do!


	13. Ch11x: Literally Speaking!

A/N: Hello everyone! This is the beginning of my attempt to recover what I can of my poor fanfic from memory, which also means that the plot (or whatever) is going to be drastically different then previously thought. And the turnout of chapters will probably be slower, too. But I am so glad that there are so many people out there who still want to read this fic of mine! I'm ever so happy! It's your feedback that keeps this thing going! So, be sure to review! I love it so much when you do! Besides, I've noticed that my story's getting tons of hits. I have no idea what's going on, but I'd sure as heck like to know why it's going up by like fifty hits a day and nobody's leaving so much as a flame. Geez.

Oh! I just remembered what I really wanted to talk about! Ok, so this chapter will quite possibly be the most plotless, random, nonsensical piece of trash ever written and that ever will be written. Though it helps to think of everything in a literal sense (You'll see what I mean), keep in mind that most of the stuff here doesn't even make sense to the authoress, and read on in hopes of redemption or something, savvy? Good luck!

I lurve you all! Thanks for reading!

**Ch. 11x: Literally Speaking!**

Just like our last gaiden chapter, the entire world dropped what they were doing to go hang out at Caelin Castle again! Yay! And not unlike spawning salmon, they swam their way upstream to the place of their birth, and that place happened to be the only place in the entire castle that could possibly contain them all. That's right; they ended up in the castle ballroom again! Upon arrival, not only did they have absolutely no idea what they were doing there, but they didn't know what to do while they were waiting for something to happen, either. When they realized this, they decided to sit on their butts and wait, because something ALWAYS happens in chapters like this.

"Say, Canas," Heath began. "Do you find it strange how we all flocked here on our own?"

"Yes," He replied. "Quite strange."

And that's when the conversation fell over dead.

Total silence dominated the ballroom. Aside from the occasional cough, sneeze, and/or the unnecessary clearing of one's throat, almost nothing was happening. Then, luckily enough for them and for Heath's failed conversation starter, Hector kicked the doors open, soaked to the bone and rubbing a large goose egg on his forehead. He wrung his arms out like wet sponges, leaving HUGE puddles of water on the floor, and continued rubbing the goose egg on his forehead until the shell gave out splattering egg all over his face.

Everyone stared at him, at a total loss for words.

Hector took a deep breath and announced, "It's raining cats and dogs out there!"

They all looked out the window, even though they knew it was raining, and weren't all that surprised until they heard what MIGHT be considered a cat go flying by the windows at about seventy-something miles per hour.

"nnnnnnNNNNNYYYYYYAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Their jaws dropped to the ground, which was extremely painful by the looks of it. Then, while they were all tenderly gathering up their throbbing jaws another mysterious beast's yelping shattered the gentle hum of the Ballroom Dwellers.

"yipe yipe yipe yiPE YIPE YIPE YIPE YIpe yipe yipe yipe!"

Nino always loved dogs and cats and naturally was excited. "YAY! I wanna go out and see if any of them survived!" She cheered throwing her hands into the air. A few seconds later, they landed at her sides with a 'plop!'

Harken was so shocked at the sight of Nino's severed limbs, his eyes went as large as dinner plates. "AHHHHHH! MY EYES!"

Sain nudged Kent, "Hey, you know what? All this reminds me of something."

"What?" Kent replied with a sigh. "What could it possibly remind you of?"

"That was Harsh, Kent." Principe Juanito spat at Kent.

Wiping Juanito's comment off his cheek, Kent corrected himself. "Alright, go ahead and tell me Sain; I'm all ears."

A smile spread across Sain's face "Well it reminds me of that one time…" He stopped dead mid-sentence with a look of complete shock chiseled on his face.

"What?" Kent asked. Man, his voice sounded cool today! So deep and manly…

"Umm, it reminded me of how much you freak me out." Sain muttered on accident.

"What did you say?" Kent replied, narrowing his eyes… or something.

"Uh, I've gotta go." Sain said quickly hiding his face, which was now as green as his armor. Kent was obviously not buying it. As a last ditch effort, Sain tried distraction. "L-look over there! It's Marcus and Fiora!" He cried before spurring Juanito into a full gallop.

Kent decided to play along and let him go, so he turned only to see Marcuse and Fiora, just as Sain said. But they were acting weird just like Sain was, standing there, staring at him.

"So? What are you two looking at?" He said. As soon as he opened his mouth (kinda) the color drained from Marcus' face and he scared the pants off Fiora. He noticed a pair of fashionably worn-out jeans settle on the ground around her ankles, though she was fortunately still wearing her miniskirt.

"K-kent…" Marcus said weakly. "You're made of ears!"

He heard down at his arms. "Hmm. That explains a lot." He thought out loud. The creepiest part was when he talked. …Which explains why he scared the pants off Fiora a second time. "Quit that!" Fiora scolded.

"EWWW! Erk, did you see Kent over there!" Serra screeched. "He's made out of EARS!"

Erk rolled his eyes. "I was about to make a witty comment when my eyes escaped from me. Would you find them for me?"

Serra screamed and fled with her tail between her legs and Erk drew a breath of disappointment, which was pretty darn hard because he didn't have his eyes, and he had little or no artistic talent. "She's a thorn in my side… Ow."

With all the commotion around her, Florina became overly self-conscious and began to worry. "I don't fit in here at all! I- I'm sticking out like a sore thumb!" We know the drill by now, right?

Then Nils came skipping by and decided to poke her with a cat, making her cry. In an instant Florina's sisters were all over him like ugly on an ape. "AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

Meanwhile, Eliwood was brainstorming in the corner, sitting Indian style with his arms folded across his chest. A cute little storm cloud was hovering above him and it would occasionally drizzle some rain on his head or make a few little thunderbolts here and there. Things were going swimmingly until Isadora pranced over and reached out to touch Eliwood, which was a huge mistake. Her fingertips were just inches from his head when a gigantic thunderbolt, the likes of which has never EVER been seen, shot out of Eliwood's brainstorming cloud and gave her the shocking of a lifetime. She then lay at his side in a burnt, crumpled heap sizzling and smoldering like it was her job.

In a corner totally opposite the one Eliwood was in, Canas gave Nils a chummy pat on the back, chuckling like the silly scholar he is.

"Ho ho ho! My how you've grown, Nils!" He guffawed, "Why, I could almost say you're growing like a we--" Nils shrieked and covered Canas' mouth with his hands.

"Nuuuuuuu! Don't say it!" He whispered with a psychotic gleam in his eye. "Don't you know what'll happen!"

Canas pried Nils' hands off his face and chortled, "You mean if I say you're growing like a weed?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Nils howled as his body began to swell to amazing heights and sizes and simultaneously suck all the nutrients out of his surroundings.

"HEY! WHO'S THE RETARD THAT JACKED ALL THE REFRESHMENTS!" Wil's voice whined from across the room. Wuss.

So, since they began to be flooded with Nils' body mass everything went to Hell in a hand basket, making Lucius cry like a little girl. And he would have become a girl if anyone were able to notice a difference, but THAT wasn't about to happen!

"Lucius!" Raven cried, reaching out for Lucius' hand, "We're getting out of here!"

"Why did so many cats and dogs have to die!" Lucius wailed, burying his face in his hands.

"LUCIUS! Forget the stupid animals!"

Lucius gasped, "NEVER! How could you say such a thing!"

Raven rolled his eyes and gave an exasperated sigh, "Lucius, cry me a river, then build a bridge and get over it." He said, thinking he was cool deep down inside. To none of our surprise or astonishment, Lucius did.

They both stood there in awkwardly until they both realized that the three Oompa Loompas from an earlier chapter had unwittingly been consumed by Nils while playing croquet on the refreshments table, making them cry bitter, bitter tears. We'll leave them to their anguish.

Thinking he was all that and a bag of chips, Heath came strutting in with his Turbie-twist all on his head and deciding he was going to save the day, which didn't actually happen. He got his panties in a bunch waiting for Nils to move out of the doorway, which was totally impossible. So, in conclusion, he couldn't hold his horses and they dragged him down the royal hallway, kicked down the royal doors and hauled him to the outer courtyard to be pelted with cats and dogs.

Meanwhile, on the inside Hawkeye's Rainbow clown hackles were raised, ready to tear Nils apart. Because of Nils' size change, he no longer was classified as an annoying child, but as an obstacle in the way of a Neanderthal's Lucky Charms. Hawkeye got in a crouching position, snarling and frothing at the mouth, ready to kill if Nils so much as sneezed.

Well, Nils didn't sneeze, but he shuddered and thought out loud to himself in his deep, monstrous, giant killer weed-child voice, "I think I just felt someone walk over my grave!"

This was WORSE than a sneeze. As soon as Hawkeye got a whiff of Nils' fear, he went ballistic, and his rainbow tresses began to fill the room again. And thus began the battle between clown hair and giant weed.

As a result of this battle, there would be an eternal rivalry and loathing between all garden weeds and multicolor clown wigs all over Elibe. But, I digress.

The clash of the two tyrants, as different as they were, caused a huge release of energy, causing interference and screwing with Athos' satellite transceiver and nuking his TiVo.

His TV screen suddenly went fuzzy. "No…" Athos said in complete disbelief, "No! T-this can't be! I've watched every episode of The Apprentice so far! I'VE WAITED SO LONG TO GET HERE! I CAN'T MISS THE SEASON FINALE!"

Athos' godly rage soared to amazing heights with bright fluorescent colors and many, many sparkles, making a U-turn at the Ozone layer and charging straight down towards Caelin castle.

In a peaceful corner of Lyn's secret garden, she, Guy, and Rath were peacefully grazing on the sweet, rich, flowing grasses of the Caelin savannah when their Nomad sense began inexplicably tingling. They all raised their heads and looked to the east; in the background Guy was heard noisily chewing his cud.

"W-what is it, Rath?" Lyn asked timidly "Did you feel it too?"

Rath nodded with his majestic mane of hair blowing about his face, then he turned to slap Guy.

**WHAP! **"OW!"

"Rath?" Lyn asked.

"Mm-mm. It's time to move." He grunted, turning to the south and galloping away full speed with his herd trailing behind him.

Nils' and Hawkeye's deafening roars filled the room as they charged relentlessly toward each other. Everyone wet themselves, and ran for cover, cowering and crying for their mothers each time the titans clashed.

Call it divine intervention, or the vengeance of an obsessed reality-TV fan, but the two of them stopped dead in their tracks as soon as Athos' rage tore the ceiling to pieces. Both frightened, and mystified by the sparkles, their brains ceased to function and the great beam of light crashed down upon them, making a huge crater where the castle and its grounds formerly stood.

The Wrath of Athos, as it came to be known, had its pluses and its minuses. For one, it nullified all of the idiomatic literacies that had befallen our heroes. On the other hand, it had completely decimated the only place they had to hang out. So after sitting there cluelessly for a while, they all decided to cram themselves into a mayonnaise jar and sit underneath a heat lamp, just to see what would happen.

The End… Or is it?

A/N: So, that turned out way different than it was supposed to be. There really isn't much more to say.

Remember to review! It's good for the Ozone Layer. … And for Athos' anger problem. Less puppies die that way.


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